“Baby, you know I love you” is not what I meant by talking about sex.
What do Richard Carmona, U.S. Surgeon General appointed by George W. Bush, Salt-N-Pepa, ground-breaking hip-hop artists and Mistress Abby St. Clair, internationally renowned dominatrix have in common? They all recommend having real conversations about sex.
Sex…talking. This sounds easy. Well, for those of you that have no discomfort sharing intimate thoughts and feelings and who have no problem asking for exactly what you want from the people you love or at least have sex with… Bravo! Keep up the great work!
For the rest of us, talking about sex is more like a trip to the dentist for a root canal. You may know you need to do it and you may know that in the end, it’s going to make you healthier and make you feel better, but the idea is so anxiety-provoking you may find it’s easier to learn to live with the dull ache of dissatisfaction and disconnection.
I’m with you. Talking about the hottest fantasy that you have that involves your mother and two bull walruses, or about the fact that the “Superbowl Spike of Sexual Moves” that your partner does not only doesn’t bring you to orgasm but leaves you with a stinging rash that won’t go away for three days, or about the unfortunate condition that you picked up two years ago when you got really drunk and had sex with a toothless hobo you met in a wooded area off the highway sounds pretty unappealing. But so does having unsatisfying sex that leaves you with a stinging rash. Even if it does involve a mom-on-walrus lovefest.
I’ve heard people say that it gets easier with practice. And to some extent, I suppose that’s true. I recommend accepting the fact that talking about sex is almost always a bit uncomfortable and awkward. Humor and humility help a lot. Below are a few suggestions for how to get started:
1. Start the conversation while you’re watching TV. Television can offer you a context for talking about sex. It can help keep the conversation light and offers you an opportunity to talk to one another without looking at each other.
2. Challenge each other to complete a sex quiz or questionnaire and then share the results with each other.
3. Put your discomfort or embarrassment right up front. “I feel really uncomfortable talking about this and I’m not even sure what I want to say but I’ve been thinking about something and I want to talk with you about it.” You don’t have to be eloquent to talk about sex.
4. Keep it brief. If you think dropping a comment like, “you know we have so much fun when we’re fooling around… maybe we should do it more often,” seems daunting, try sitting down for a two-hour marathon conversation about sex. People tend to respond better to smaller doses of sex talk.
5. Write what you can’t bring yourself to say. Use a shared journal or short notes or emails to pass along the information. Not only can writing be a less-threatening way for you to share information, but it offers a potentially less-threatening way for your partner to respond to you.
Posted by Jenn on March 8, 2006 9:30 AM
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