“I Do” want to have health insurance, tax breaks and the right to bury my dead lover
People have all kinds of reasons for getting married. There are plenty of people who will gladly offer their advice about the right and wrong reasons for marriage. Eric Heston, correspondent for askmen.com recently put in his two cents in an article entitled “Top 10: Worst Reasons To Marry Her.” In the article, he states,
“Marriage is a serious commitment, not to be taken lightly. As such, make sure you are wedding your loved one for all the right reasons and save yourself years of frustrating conflicts in the future. With half of all marriages ending in divorce, thinking before acting is not an option, it's a moral responsibility.”
Some say that marriage isn’t what it used to be – that it has lost some of its original, intended meaning. That what used to be a lifelong tie, is now looser and less binding. Well, since marriage was originally conceived as a contract awarding lifelong ownership of property (a woman) to a man, looser and less binding may not have seemed like such a bad thing to wives in 2350 B.C. The reality is that marriage was not created to define or protect a love relationship. That’s the job of the people in the relationship. And while centuries have been spent trying to amend or revise the marriage contract, it is still just that – a contract.
Of course for most people who choose to marry, a marriage contract becomes a symbol of lifelong commitment and deeply felt emotion -- the contract, itself, carries deeper meaning than its literal worth.
Some of the meanings attributed to a marriage contract have been recorded and preserved in traditions and ceremonies. Ceremonies provide opportunities for people to attach shared meaning and values to a common life event. These ceremonies are often linked with deeply held cultural or spiritual beliefs.
Where things got confusing is when people with power began to award certain rights or benefits to people who shared a set of beliefs or traditions valued by the dominant class, while at the same time penalizing those with different sets of beliefs or traditions. The purpose was to encourage conformity. As a result, the traditions, beliefs and ideals of the ruling class became institutionalized and bound up with laws made at that time.
Access to health insurance, tax benefits and other legal rights are not assigned based on how people’s relationships or living situations benefit the larger society. If that were the case, everyone who lived with a roommate would be rewarded with a tax break. I would have saved hundreds of dollars the summer of my sophomore year in college when I lived in a three-bedroom house with nine other people! These rights and benefits are awarded based on whether or not two individuals (contrary to popular belief, in most states it is about two individuals and not about one man and one woman) agree to carry out a certain set of traditions and to define the meaning of their connection according to a prescribed definition assigned by a group of people with power. Loses some of its romance when you put it that way, no?
Wedding ceremonies, vows, commitments, public recognition of love, long-term relationships – these are all wonderful things that are worthy of respect and celebration. One might argue that, in fact, manipulating these things in order to divide communities into those that have and those that have not has, in fact, sullied the true intention of these ideals.
So, how come my partner of 15 years can’t be on our family’s health insurance plan? How come I have no choice but to file my taxes as a single individual? How come I may face a legal challenge when it comes to taking care of my partner during an incapacitating illness or after death?
If you want to reward me for procreating, reward me when I parent a child. If you want to reward me for living in a way that benefits society, reward me for living in a tiny apartment or for driving a fuel-economical car. If you want to reward me for staying in a committed relationship, reward me when I stay in a committed relationship. If you want to reward me for believing in the importance of love and family and community, then reward me – I’m a believer.
Love isn’t a contract. And morality and belief systems can’t be contracted. Good reasons to marry someone are because you love them and you believe that you want to live your life in partnership with them. The worst reasons I can think of for marrying someone are because you feel threatened, because you have no choice, or because someone tells you that if you don’t marry them, they are going to take away your rights and freedoms.
Hmmm… suddenly marrying someone because she’s pregnant, you get along with her and her family and you feel comfortable with her doesn’t seem quite so sinister and morally reprehensible.
Posted by Jenn on March 14, 2006 7:20 AM
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