Skinner’s theory on why you keep calling your ex-girlfriend’s answering machine.
Science has proven that with minimal repetition, rats in wooden boxes can learn to avoid actions that result in painful electric shocks. Humans, on the other hand, will use the same failed strategies to connect ourselves to the world again and again, blindly believing that this time, if we try hard enough, the outcome will be different.
We smash our faces, tear our hair, rend our hearts and struggle more and more desperately to get ourselves back to that key in the maze that when depressed, will drive 10,000 volts of reality spiraling up our brain stems. Why? Because the connection that we desire is a complicated one.
We use the people around us to learn about and respond to ourselves. Sometimes we seek validation and renewal. Sometimes we strike out at what we hate in ourselves. Sometimes we use the reflection of ourselves that another person offers us to tinker with the subtle qualities that make us who we are. If the journey were a painless one, in the end, we would not end up where we need to be. What to us may seem instinctual and necessary may seem extreme or insane to the outside observer. Have you seen how penguins and salmon find mates and reproduce?
The key to relationships is finding a balance. If your attempts to connect are only bringing you grief or if it gets to be too painful, consider trying another path. If, on the other hand, your dramatic, gut-wrenching, fetal-under-the-table sob sessions are bringing you some insight or are reigniting your passion for one another, more power to you.
If you aren’t sure whether or not your masochistic tendencies in love are serving you well, ask someone objective. Don’t assume that good relationships will feel good all the time or that feeling bad in your relationship today means it’s a bad relationship. On the other hand, remember that while many of us have moments of heartache, when those moments turn into months and years, that may be a sign that something’s not working for you. And if you find yourself curled up on the floor with your thumb in your mouth, listening to Patsy Cline for three weeks straight… well that’s just freaky.
Posted by Jenn on March 8, 2006 10:08 AM
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If it was The Carpenters maybe it'd be a problem, but there's nothing wrong with Ms. Cline
-- Posted by: jlou at March 8, 2006 7:14 PM