How to get someone to have sex with you – it may not be as hard as you think
It’s 10:00 at night.
You’re settling into bed with your partner, who is reading a book. You’re feeling tired but your partner is looking really good to you and you’re thinking about fooling around.
Your partner says: “Have a good sleep.”
You think: “I guess s/he is tired and wouldn’t be interested in fooling around.”Your partner is thinking: “We haven’t had sex in a while. S/he’s usually so tired at the end of the night.”
You think: “Maybe a good night kiss will help the situation.”
You kiss your partner quickly on the mouth and then lay back down on your side of the bed.
Your partner thinks: “That was nice, but if I make a move and s/he doesn’t want to, that’ll suck.”You think: “Nothing… I guess I was right… s/he doesn’t want to fool around tonight.”
Your partner moves closer to you but keeps reading.
Your partner thinks: “If s/he’s into it, s/he’ll feel me and move closer and then we can fool around.”You think: “Great… now not only do I not get to have sex, but now s/he’s hogging my side of the bed.”
Initiating sex is a tough job. It’s made even tougher by our discomfort with talking about sex and sharing our intimate feelings with another person. There’s an old slumber party game I used to play where you and another kid are paired up and you have to accomplish a task together (like making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or threading a needle). You can’t talk or write anything down and you are the only one who knows what the task is. You have to do the job together and the other kid has to take the first step.
At a slumber party, this scenario usually results in hilarity. In bed with your partner, it can often leave both people feeling frustrated and resentful.
The first step to avoiding sexual misunderstandings, is to get clear for yourself what your preferences are, what you like, what you wish would happen. Spend some time alone thinking or writing honestly about your own sexual style. There are some great resources out there to help you with this. I personally recommend using the “How You Like It” questionnaire (because I wrote it. You can download a free pdf copy for yourself by clicking here.)
Once you’re clear about what you want. Figure out how you are most comfortable getting this information to your partner. You can have a short, painless conversation when you’re hanging out watching television or driving in the car. You can share your completed questionnaire with your partner and encourage her/him to fill it out and share it with you. You can write your partner a note and leave it on the pillow. You and your partner can figure out a game plan for how to communicate about sex with one another – even if you decide neither one of you wants to talk about it in the heat of the moment.
Nonverbal communication can be great for initiating sex and for communicating sexual preferences – if, and only if, a key to interpreting your nonverbal communication has been shared with your partner first. Otherwise, you are likely to misinterpret or overlook each other’s cues.
Posted by Jenn on April 5, 2006 10:11 AM
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