Teens and oral sex: the big (or not so big) deal, depending on who you ask
One would not be hard-pressed to find a plethora of articles venturing to define the scope and meaning of sexual activities involving teens’ mouths. One headline in the South Bend Tribune (your preferred source for all you need to know, right?) sent many Indiana parents into a panic -- “Parents warned of new sex trend.”
Now first of all, the idea that oral sex is a new concept is ridiculous. The idea that oral sex for the sole purpose of pleasure and not as a demonstration of one’s commitment and admiration of another person is a new thing, is equally ridiculous. We keep talking about how disturbed we are that teens and young adults are having oral sex and that they don’t think it’s a big deal. We keep using young people’s sexual behaviors as an indication of the demise of morality. We find the idea of “friends with benefits” baffling, the concept of sex at parties or in public places abhorrent. Who are we kidding?
Fifty years ago, lots of teenagers were having sex in cars, in movie theaters, at makeout points. Lots of them got pregnant as a result. Some got VD. Some got married to someone who they didn’t know very well or love very much. And though I wasn’t born until after the height of the sexual revolution in the 60s, I would hardly say that every act involving genitals and a teenager’s mouth was an expression of love for the one person with whom they were planning on spending the rest of their life.
It’s hard to separate out the facts, the urban legends and the true meaning behind teens and oral sex because, quite frankly, we’re not really allowed to ask in any objective, measurable way. Are most kids giving blow jobs at school? Are there frequent oral sex parties where girls use different shades of lipstick to mark their conquests? Do kids really think oral sex is no big deal?
What little we do know indicates that like nearly everything involving sex and relationships, it’s complicated. Oral sex means different things to different teens. How they define it. How they do it? How they feel about it?
For some, it’s a less risky option for having sex in the time of HIV/AIDS.
For some, it’s a coercive experience capitalizing on low self-esteem and lack of assertiveness skills.
For some, it’s a way to express love and intimacy without fear of an unwanted pregnancy.
For some, it’s a way to feel powerful and in control.
For some, it’s fun and feels good.
For some, it’s a way of expressing sexual feelings without losing their “virginity.”
What is key is that all of us, adults and teens alike, struggle with concepts like love and intimacy. Most of us were born into a world that defined sexuality for us, usually pretty narrowly, but neglected to teach us how to relate to and express sensuality creatively. Certainly, more teens are talking about oral sex. Some are talking about doing it. Some are talking about who around them they think is doing it. Some are trying to get adults to shut our gaping mouths and stop feigning shock long enough to listen and understand their experiences.
Whether teens having oral sex is an indication that more youth are attempting (albeit with limited information thanks to a lack of comprehensive sex education) to reduce their risks around HIV/AIDS and most STDs; or that they are finding quick, partially clothed sexual expression easier than navigating the horrors of deep, meaningful, intimate relationships; or that they are bending to overwhelming, coercive pressure to satisfy their peers remains to be seen.
In the meantime, take a minute to ask yourself, and for those bold enough --your friends, some of the questions to which teens are frequently expected to respond these days:
1. What is virginity?
2. What is sex?
3. What is abstinence?
4. Is oral sex more or less intimate than intercourse? Why?
Posted by Jenn on April 3, 2006 1:40 PM
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