The art of flirting

Many of us reserve our most intimate exchanges for the one(s) we love. We may, however, share less intense displays of attraction with friends, co-workers and even strangers. Flirting offers those of us who aren’t in a relationship, an opportunity to exchange attention and affection with another person. For those of us who are partnered, flirting may offer us the excitement, nervousness and newness that our committed relationship may be lacking. When done well, flirting can be harmless, pleasurable and exciting. When done badly, flirting can be embarrassing, awkward and intimidating. All good flirting experiences need the following five elements:

1. Non-threatening intentions
People respond best to flirting that feels fun, even if it’s intense. Flirting that makes another person feel nervous, guilty or uncomfortable is no good at all. Often what helps ensure that flirting remains non-threatening is the explicit reality that the chance of something actually happening between the two people is extremely unlikely. Of course, holding on to any possibility, however remote, can make it even more exciting and is part of what keeps your adrenaline level so high. Boundaries are important. Flirting is best when there’s a lot of dancing around those boundaries without ever crossing them. It’s a tricky balance, which is why flirting effectively is an art.

2. Chemistry
You either have it or you don’t. Flirting is no fun if neither person has even the smallest smidgen of attraction to each other. And flirting when one person feels it and the other doesn’t can be awkward or annoying. Chemistry can be generated from physical or emotional attraction. Some of my most intense flirting experiences have taken place with hideously disfigured friends of mine. The electricity that you exchange in really good flirting circumstances – either from a look or a touch – is what makes it so compelling. If it ain’t there, it probably ain’t worth doing.

3. An open invitation
Flirting only works if it’s welcome. This applies not only to the flirtee but also to secondary parties like the partners of the flirter and flirtee. While I’m not suggesting that your partner needs to enthusiastically encourage the other person to get all sexy and provocative with you, there does need to be a shared understanding of the meaning behind flirting and some reassurance that boundaries will be respected. Flirting can turn into psycho drama when a partner of one of the flirters feels threatened. Keep flirting respectful and restrained and it’ll keep everyone happier.

4. At least two clear-headed, conscious participants
Alcohol or drugs may help lower inhibitions. This may make flirting more likely to happen and may even make it more intense. Being too drunk or high, however, makes for sloppy flirting, thereby increasing the likelihood that someone will feel uncomfortable or disrespected. Effective flirting avoids the “o my god, I can’t even look at that person” next morning mantra. Skillful flirting should leave everyone feeling good with no regrets. Monitoring your alcohol and drug consumption and minimizing opportunities for intense flirting when you’re drunk or high may make sense.

5. Opportunity
Obviously, flirting only works if you’ve got the opportunity to do it. That doesn’t mean you have to be alone together. Intense flirting can happen in the midst of a group interaction if you’re sitting next to each other, or even passing by each other. You may need to make your own opportunities to flirt by consciously moving nearer to the person. Remember however, that obvious, excessive flirting can leave others feeling left out and may sour social gatherings. As a rule - keep it subtle, keep it brief or spread it around.

Posted by Jenn on April 19, 2006 10:43 AM
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