To be friends or not to be: What to do when your ex wants you around
The Myth of Saving the Friendship
First of all, it is important to remember that the concept of continuing the friendship with your ex is an impossibility. The nature of a break-up is that it terminates the current relationship between the two parties. A new and different level of friendship may be established following a break-up, but it is important to remember that the relationship has been forever changed. It may be for the better, it may be for the worse, but it will definitely be different. Don’t waste your energy struggling to hold on to something that’s past the point of saving. Instead focus on the future – with or without your ex in your life.
Beware of Premature Proclamations of Mutual Admiration
During the first two weeks following a break-up, emotional reactions tend to distort perceptions of the relationship most dramatically. You may find yourself focusing entirely on the good qualities of the relationship, romanticizing the way things used to be and fantasizing about how much better you would feel if you were back together. Or you may find yourself demonizing your ex, cataloguing every character flaw, every bad habit, every personal failing and chastising yourself for having stayed so long.
Remember that nothing about a relationship is simple, especially not the end of it. No matter how angry or hurt you may feel at the end of a break-up, at least some of the qualities to which you were initially attracted, still exist in your ex. At the same time, remember that no matter how much you may feel that your ex was your ideal mate, the end of the relationship indicates that something didn’t work. Give yourself time to ride the emotional rollercoaster you inadvertently boarded when your relationship ended. Whether you experience it as jolting or exhilarating, it is recommended that you remain seated throughout and postpone pondering the possibility of future interactions with your ex until the ride comes to a complete stop. For some, that may be a week later, for others it may take five years. Be patient and treat yourself and your ex gently. If you end up never speaking to your ex again, taking the time to process the break-up won’t have cost you anything. And if you manage to reestablish some kind of connection with your ex in the future, giving yourself time to experience all of what the relationship and subsequent break-up meant for you can only help bring clarity to your situation.
In movies and on television, there are popular examples of failed romantic relationships that resulted in lifelong friendships. Some of us mistakenly equate being respectful and rational and valuing the positive aspects of our past relationships with maintaining some level of connection with our exes. I mean, wouldn’t it be petty and childish not to?
No.
Consider What's Best for You, Your Ex and Every One Else Involved
During a break-up, we do what we need to in order to get through the experience. There is no right or wrong way to handle a break-up, and when it comes to interacting with your former lover, rational thinking may not be your strongest motivator. In 95% of situations where an individual is interested in staying connected to his/her ex, the motivators for doing so are unrealistic, unfair, selfish, irrational or in the most extreme cases, insane. One person has held on to an unrealistic ideal and wants some way of holding on to the past. One person is hungry for attention and is willing to get it even in the most inappropriate of circumstances. One person is feeling lonely or unfulfilled and is hoping her/his ex will be able to fix that. Rarely is it the case that two people who were romantically involved in the past, choose to reconnect and become friends for completely benevolent reasons. Both people come into the new friendship with their own sets of experiences, expectations and needs. It’s unusual for both parties to be on the same page, at the same time. More often than not, there are differences in how each person defines the boundaries, the scope and the depth of the friendship that make it nearly impossible to avoid feeling awkward and unsure around each other.
This is not to say that it doesn’t or can’t happen. When there are children (or in some cases, pets) involved, it may be impossible to completely avoid one another. Maintaining civility and mutual respect is different however, from having a friendship and hanging out with one another. Social interactions don't have to be painful or freaky. It means however, that both people have to come into the new relationship with honest (and explicit) intentions. Why does being connected now make sense? What are you hoping the relationship will offer you? How does it feel to be together again? Who else may be impacted by your decision to reconnect (your new partner/s, your children)?
If you’re interested in reconnecting with your ex, it’s best to give it some thought first. Be prepared to be rejected and though it may be hard not to take it personally, understand that for most people, total separation from their ex may be their least painful, most sensible option. For those who manage to overcome the obstacles and who reconnect, navigate the new relationship carefully, understanding that from time to time, the waters are bound to get murky. And if it gets really weird, be grateful for what you had in the past and move on.
Posted by Jenn on April 18, 2006 3:29 PM
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