Why I can’t stop listening to my neighbors having sex

A recent news story in The Onion offered hilarious commentary from neighbors of a couple whose sexual escapades are loud enough that the entire apartment building feels a part of the action.

I, myself, have become a connoisseur of sexual noise-making, having studied it carefully over the past several decades. My observances are based mostly on the symphonic sexual adventures I have been privileged (or perhaps voyeuristic) enough to have witnessed throughout my time living in college dormitories, cramped student housing, and urban apartments. Add to this, twenty-five years of occasional stays in hotels, motels and public campsites, and you will see the scope and breadth of the reverberations to which I am referring.

I will admit, I like hearing other people having sex. Not necessarily because I find it arousing, but because I have a competitive streak. I have an unquenchable interest in comparing myself to others when it comes to sex noises. Are they louder than me? More eloquent than me? Funnier than me?

And I’m fascinated by the range of sounds that people make during sex -- from the quietest, but most profound sigh to the loudest, longest proclamations of pleasure that I have ever heard. Most sounds associated with sex fall into one of five categories:

Sighs and whimpers
These sounds are perhaps most common among women. They are also the least likely to be witnessed by others in close proximity, in fact sometimes, unless your ear is right up to their lips, you might not have any idea that a noise was made at all. Sighs and whimpers are often extraordinarily breathy and high-pitched and are most frequently short in duration though they can be repeated off and on for long-periods of time.

Grunts and groans

These sounds are often guttural and may be associated with periods of intense thrusting or pounding. While often attributed primarily to men, the frequency of grunts and groans among women and men are actually fairly equivalent. Like sighs and whimpers, these sounds tend to be repeated throughout the sexual exchange, though they may be more likely to originate from the more aggressive sexual partner.

Repetitive phrasing

This category includes a variety of references which are repeated, usually in close succession, during sexual activity. The tone and volume of the utterances often intensifies as climax approaches. Common examples include repetition of the words yes, oh god, more, deeper, harder, faster, don’t stop and I’m cumming.

Namecalling

Often associated with fantasy or roleplaying, namecalling is commonly overheard by witnesses of sexual encounters. The names, themselves may range from terms of endearment (baby, my girl, papi, big daddy) to the nastiest of insults (bitch, slut, dirty whore, spoodgebox.)

Fantastic commands

This category includes the more verbose utterances – whole sentences, or in some cases, diatribes that are spoken during the heat of passion. They tend to be directive in nature whether they are based on fantasy play, (Spank me, Professor Toughnuts!) instructions for providing pleasure, (Hit me like that, Big Guy… in the hole, in the hole!) or their context may be unexplained, (You know I gooble when you slurp the nimbler, you Kyzocky!) These are what I consider to be the crème de la crème of sex talk. They may disturb you. They may excite or amuse you. But after hearing them, you are forever changed.

Whatever our chosen expression of pleasure, we should be grateful for the opportunities that we have to share them with the world. As for my downstairs neighbors, if you could just enunciate a little more clearly, I’d appreciate it. Last weekend, I couldn’t quite make out that last thing you said. C’mon baby, do what to you one more time?

Posted by Jenn on April 11, 2006 12:28 PM
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