I’ll be right here – the Elliott-E.T. model of successful long distance relationships
For those who are facing the prospect of a long distance relationship, whether voluntarily or involuntarily, there are certain considerations which may make the situation more workable for both partners.
Upon seeing the movie, E.T. for the first time at the tender young age of ten, I found the only way I could emotionally accept the heart-wrenching conclusion of the film was to imagine that in the postscript, E.T. and Elliott remain connected to one another – communicating regularly through their mutually constructed “Speak & Spell umbrella turntable” and planning occasional visits to each other’s home planets. This addendum to the movie, created by me, helped to calm the chest-heaving sobs with which I was left, sitting in the dark of the movie theater.
The elements that made the Elliott-E.T. model of long-distance connection comforting were fairly simple.
1) All parties involved decided what the acceptable parameters for separation were.2) All parties had realistic expectations of the challenges and benefits to time apart.
3) All parties communicated and reinforced their emotional connection prior to leaving, as well as throughout the separation (“I’ll be right here.”)
4) All parties set up an agreed upon timeline and method for checking in about the status of their connection.
5) All parties demonstrated incredible creativity in the ways in which they worked to maintain their connection.
6) All parties lived fully while apart and were able to appreciate the advantages that the separation offered them, even while missing their loved one and anticipating their reunion.
Unlike the Elliott-E.T. scenario, long-distance relationships based on one planet, offer an additional potential element that may make separation more palatable – the time apart may be temporary.
Separations are hardest when there are different expectations of the relationship, when feelings about the separation (both positive and negative) go uncommunicated, and when the timeframe for the separation is undefined.
Another aspect of long-distance relationships with which individuals may struggle is when one partner remains behind while the other ventures out to a new place or a new job. Here, the strain is two-fold. First, the partner who is leaving not only leaves behind her/his loved one, but also her/his home, friends, the comfort of familiarity. For the partner who goes away, the separation can feel intensely lonely as s/he has the added burden of isolation, at least initially, being in a new place where s/he will be meeting new people and having new experiences.
For the partner who is left behind, imagining his/her partner in a new place, meeting new people and having new experiences can be anxiety-provoking and can feel threatening. S/he may have concerns about the other person being forever changed by experiences while away, while s/he remains behind, stagnant and dull. S/he may imagine a parade of more attractive opportunities presenting themselves, resulting in his/her loved one’s decision to leave the relationship and the past behind for greener pastures. In addition, the partner who remains at home may find him/herself surrounded by reminders of the other person's absence.
Either way, both individuals may find themselves waking up lonely in an empty bed, fantasizing about what was left behind and mourning the possibilities of what might have been had they stayed.
Long distance relationships are hard, but they aren’t impossible. To ensure the highest likelihood of success, a plan needs to be laid out prior to the separation:
∙ How long will the separation last?∙ What do both people expect from the relationship during the separation?
∙ What are the challenges and opportunities that both people anticipate experiencing as a result of the separation?
∙ How will the connection be preserved and possibly strengthened during the separation?
∙ What does each person need from the other person during the separation?
∙ How often and through what preferred methods will the partners communicate about the relationship?
Both people also have to fully appreciate the other person’s position in regard to the separation:
∙ What is s/he excited about? Nervous about?∙ What benefits or challenges will I have that s/he won’t?
∙ What benefits or challenges will s/he have that I won’t?
∙ What may be hardest for him/her during this separation?
∙ What might s/he need from me during this separation?
In addition, both people need to have permission to feel whatever they feel during the separation, even if it wasn’t anticipated beforehand. There’s no way to predict what feelings will come up or how things will play out beforehand. Being able to talk about whatever emotions are experienced, unapologetically, is critical to maintaining an open line of communication.
Advances in technology have provided new options for minimizing the pains associated with separation. Take advantage of whatever options are available to you, making sure to use creativity and variety in how you reach out to each other. Plan visits, make phone calls, email, use webcams, handwrite letters, send photos, share a journal, create a webpage, text message – find ways to communicate consistently to help normalize the separation without intensifying negative aspects. And if the separation is temporary, remind each other and yourselves of that on a regular basis. Allow yourself to plan for and fantasize about your reunion without putting the rest of your life on hold.
Leaving can be a real drag, but without leaving, you lose the opportunity to experience the joys of coming home.
Posted by Jenn on May 16, 2006 11:46 AM
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