Are you a good cyberflirt?

Flirting is like scooping ice cream into a cone. A skillful scooper consistently hands over a balanced and well-distributed frozen treat – just the right ratio of ice cream to cone. Her movements are relaxed and seamless, and she finishes the job with a smile and a wink. I’ve had that cone and it’s a real treat.

In order to scoop ice cream well, you need five things: 1) the right tools; 2) a little confidence; 3) attention to impact; 4) perspective; and 5) practice.

Some examples…

Teddy has been working at Super Scoops for the past three summers. He’s one of the most efficient scoopers at the shop and, in less than a minute, can craft a triple scoop waffle cone that is so well balanced he can flip it backwards over his shoulder before finally passing it over the counter to his doe-eyed, pig-tailed customer. He is always careful to use a clean, warmed metal scoop and to bend at the elbow, not the wrist, when scooping. He applies just the right pressure from cream to cone, making sure to gently pack the inside as well, to insure that each bite is both smooth and crunchy. And on the rare occasion that he encounters a cracked cone, scoop slippage or drips? Well, Teddy simply shrugs it off with a chuckle, tosses the cone aside and starts again.

Tiny wanted to work at CD Heaven this summer but turned in his application too late. He grumbles at customers who ask for extra sprinkles or who don’t know the difference between a cake and a waffle cone. Tiny is always leaving the scoop inside the tubs of ice cream. They are always cold and sticky and the ice cream sticks and comes out flat and uneven. Tiny uses his fingers to unstick the ice cream. He is anxious and distracted and is either crushing the cones from too much pressure or precariously balancing his scoops on the hollow, dry cones, which wobble and leak onto the hands and shirts of his disgruntled customers. Tiny uses obscenities and offends parents of young children who are often seen leaving the shop crying, with empty fists and empty bellies.

Teddy gets online after work and notices that Talulah is online as well. Though he’s feeling a little tired, he takes a moment to send a quick “hello.” Teddy chats playfully with Talulah, alternating between thoughtful questions about her day, silly stories and flirtatious compliments and suggestions. He is careful not to overdo his use of smilies or acronyms. He never woos or sends virtual hugs or flowers. He reads Talulah’s responses carefully and monitors and adjusts his own responses throughout the exchange. If there is a misunderstanding or misstep, he is gracious and gently returns the conversation to a place that is mutual and comfortable. He is tasteful, but provocative, and very descriptive and he always leave Talulah with chills of anticipation when they finally sign off.

Tiny gets online to check his email, leaving himself signed in to chat, but feels annoyed when Talulah, who is actually super sexy and nice, sends him a “hello.” He sends one word responses, leaves conversations unannounced for extended periods and fumbles awkwardly as he comments exclusively about himself. He can tell Talulah likes him and wants to play but he’s tired and grumpy. Instead of signing off, he sulks and is self-deprecating and is unappreciative of Talulah’s attempts to cheer him up. Although Tiny can feel the awkwardness of the interaction, he is unattuned to Talulah’s social cues and chalks the bad feelings up to Talulah’s being needy or attention-seeking. When Tiny abruptly ends the conversation, Talulah is left feeling insecure, rejected and misunderstood.

Whether a Teddy or a Tiny, ice cream scooping, like flirting is sometimes hit or miss. But with practice and a willingness to take some chances, even Tiny can master the triple scoop and win Talulah’s heart, or at least score a hot makeout session one weekend.

And for those of you who scoff at the idea of flirting, online or otherwise, you can always pass up the frozen treats and order the pie. But sooner or later, you’re going to want it à la mode.

---

Posted by Jenn on August 17, 2007 11:22 PM
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