Now you see me, now you don't - Why consistency matters
Beginnings of relationships are often chock full of ambiguity and angst. Does she like me? Really like me? Will he call me? Why hasn't he called me?
In the process of getting to know someone and opening ourselves to another, our anxieties may knot our stomachs and keep us awake at night, but they may also offer a surge of adrenaline, a flush of our cheeks and an irresistible impulse to pump our fist in the air when that phone does ring and we're met with a barrage of sweet-nothings.
It's part of what makes dating interesting.
Soon enough though, many of us grow tired of guessing and long for clarity and stability. We start to grow accustomed to what the other offers us, and we want it when we want it. And we don't want to wait for it.
Some of us err on the side of predictability. We plan out everything. We talk/email/text the other person everyday. We want to know everything about the other person. The unknown stops being tantalizing and just makes us anxious or frustrated. We're more prone to feeling threatened. We need the other person to reassure us. We want more because more feels bigger and better and means we're less likely to be caught off guard in the end. We want to feel a sense of ownership - we'll never say it - but in asking for predictability or exclusivity, we want reassurance that we're not going to lose our investment. We know we stand a lot to lose and our awareness of that fact grows the deeper we allow ourselves to want from the other.
Some of us are all about spontaneity. Who knows when we might talk again? Maybe never? Everything is moment to moment. Contact with one another depends on our whims. Our emotional investment in the other person may come and go. Sometimes we may like the other person. Sometimes we're really digging her/him. Sometimes... eh... not so much... let's see what else is out there. We come and go. Approach and retreat. When we're into it and both on the same page, it's good, it feels great and everybody's needs get met. When there's a discrepancy between what we're needing and what the other person is needing, it can feel bothersome, frustrating or demanding. We feel when closeness or need threatens us. We worry about falling into something we can't control. We pull back. Deny our feelings. Send mixed messages.
We cast off what feels like a fit, just in case there's something we missed. We deny ourselves what feels satisfying and worthwhile in the interest of saving face should something take an unfortunate turn.
As humans, all of us long for consistency. It soothes us and makes us feel safe. It's comforting and predictable and helps us plan and feel in control. Many of us also want excitement, independence, freedom. We struggle with how to find a balance and we often end up neglecting one side of the equation or the other. Either way, we lose something. Potentiality slips away and regret creeps in. We swallow the mythology that this is what happens in relationships, and we close ourselves off to insight and to new possibilities.
So what, when faced with this paradox, are we to do?
Well... now, that's another blog entry...
Posted by Jenn on October 23, 2007 10:09 PM
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p.s.: the test pilot is Susan, the mother of the little girl.
i didn't cheat, but the comment about expectations put my head in the right place for my second read and, yup, it really is that simple.
i've lived, and continue to live, a life of harassment simply because i do not fit the expectations model in the minds of people in the majority. Am i allowed to expect compensation after discovering that i've done my best to overcome a challenge that others did not face, which no one accepted when i tried to express it, long before knowing what it was called?
Consistency. It matters even more to someone with neurology like mine. Inconsistency does so much more damage than people allow for.
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easy question for me to answer, having had relationships with both types (and finding that they are rarely actually different, just waiting to become unpredictable).
The solution: communicate.
More detail: People should talk, openly, about their expectations, desires, fears and limitations. Most important of all, they need to be honest. The real problem with honesty is that there are a gross number of people who think they're being honest with their partners when it's really themselves they are lying to (consequently, lying to their partner, too, and setting up false expectations and then needing a whole lot of irrational explanation and rationalizing of previous statements to make themselves seem valid even though they have done a 180 on you).
Communicate. Honestly. From an honest self comes the truth, uncomfortable or not. i'd rather an uncomfortable truth (even a lot of them) than a need for the person to "clean up" later on when they realize they're not ok with things they stated they were ok with.
it sounds like such a cliche, but know thyself continues to be at the crux of the failures i've seen and experienced.
i know me and i'm pretty out and forward about it. it would be nice to meet more of my kind.
Consistency, fear of engulfment, and several other mini topics in this blog entry remind me, as usual, of Borderline Personality Disorder. It's kind of a lifestyle made out of fear, defensiveness and stimulus-response behavior. And i have had more than my share of "attempted relationships" with females having this scar of abuse called BPD.
i find the worse paradox to be: when you know more about the other person than they do, and they're toxic for you, how many chances should you really give them before protecting yourself from more harm? Does it make you the horrible person they create out of you in their heads (and their blogs) when you finally put your foot down? i cry out for empathy and communication, so i seemingly only know to "stop and give up" when they've done considerable damage to me.
-- Posted by: Jace at January 7, 2008 1:15 AM