The consistency paradox continued - New rules of engagement

My last blog entry posed the question of how to balance our desire for closeness with our fear of vulnerability or loss of independence.

I've got no real answers to offer, though I did just finish reading a book that was excellent food for thought on this topic - Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. If these last two entries resonated with you, read it.

What I will suggest is that we make a distinction between the feelings we express in relationships and the boundaries we maintain. Relationships get weird when there's either too much or too little of either of these elements.

Expressions of feelings - putting words to our emotional investment in the other - deserves consistency. Even when we're anxious or fearful, taking the other person involuntarily on our own emotional roller-coaster of ambivalence is unfair and works against us. Save that for angst-ridden conversations with friends or marathon therapy sessions. Consider talking less with the other person about how you feel, but when you do talk, work on saying what you feel clearly and take responsibility for figuring out your own mixed up reactions before you hide behind contradictions or ambiguities.

Boundaries may shift. We may make adjustments in our choices and our actions. This is where we need to work on accommodating differences, incorporating the other's needs and keeping ourselves separate, even in the midst of exploration and investment, in the interest of sustaining energy, excitement and passion. We may have a week where we see the other person every night. The next week, we may only see each other once. The frequency may have changed. The connection may allow for spontaneity or surprise, but our feelings remain the same.

I may or may not talk to you tomorrow, but I like you. I really like you when I see you a lot. And I really like you when there's space between us. In fact, us being separate means that I miss you, which reminds me how much I really like you.

Connection isn't about merging. It's about coming together and going apart and coming together again. The dance is sweet.

Emotional investment in another person can be terrifying. And yet, most of us are so hungry for it, we'll go to great lengths to find the opportunity to open ourselves and take in another. Even when it hurts a little, it makes us feel alive.

It's never easy and relationships are full of missteps. It's not a perfect system. But when we like what we're getting from the other person, starting from a foundation of mutuality and generous, authentic expressions of appreciation and caring go a long way and count for a lot. Remember, guessing where you're going for dinner on your next date or when they might call you in the middle of the night, just to let you know they were thinking about you can be playful and provocative. Guessing whether or not the other person likes you and likes kissing you or can't wait to find someone cooler to date so they can finally get away from you is torture.

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Posted by Jenn on October 27, 2007 9:53 PM
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