Fine. Catering to people's specific tastes or preferred communities makes sense. The purpose of these distinctions is obviously to narrow the dating field in order to provide single people with a place to start searching for people they may want to date.

Other distinctions, however, are less about pronouncing specifications in order to draw like individuals or individuals with a particular fetish. These sites appear to target the socially inept or least appealing of the dating pool in order to accomplish two things - 1) to provide a remedial dating environment replete with coaching and structured interactions and 2) to apologize to potential dates for what may be a few bumbling attempts at self-promotion followed by the inevitable, gawky run for the hills.

Now, I'll come clean.

I'm a big fan of dorks. In fact, if I could find a cute, dorky person who could maintain eye contact long enough, carry on a conversation for more than 20 minutes without referencing LARP, their sword collection or Java, and who could have sex without crying, I would commit my life to her/him in a heartbeat.

That said, I've trolled these sites and here's where they're failing.

1. No photos.
The uncool don't post pictures because then potential dates would see what they look like.

2. No contacts.
Socially timid people tend to be passive daters. Even when offered the option of "winking" or a drop-down menu of canned responses, their highly developed, intensely self-critical minds will psych them out of any possible action they may consider taking to meet someone.

3. Overselling the dork factor.
Many of these sites lampoon geek culture. The exaggerated focus on gaming, science and comic books may conjure up unrealistic images or fictional characterizations of sexy, misunderstood underdogs who, with a new haircut and a sharp outfit, will reign triumphant over their high school class reunion. In reality, most of the individuals on these sites really are dorks. Even underneath.

Socially awkward people don't need a specialized dating site in order to find someone to make out with. They either need work on building confidence so they can totally embrace their sexy-ass geekness. Or they need to shift their expectations and focus on being the hottest member of their local weekly Everquest discussion group.

There are plenty of people who want to kiss you. Braces or no braces. So turn off your monitor, wipe the haze from your Buddy Holly glasses and come dancing.

I've got no real answers to offer, though I did just finish reading a book that was excellent food for thought on this topic - Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. If these last two entries resonated with you, read it.

What I will suggest is that we make a distinction between the feelings we express in relationships and the boundaries we maintain. Relationships get weird when there's either too much or too little of either of these elements.

Expressions of feelings - putting words to our emotional investment in the other - deserves consistency. Even when we're anxious or fearful, taking the other person involuntarily on our own emotional roller-coaster of ambivalence is unfair and works against us. Save that for angst-ridden conversations with friends or marathon therapy sessions. Consider talking less with the other person about how you feel, but when you do talk, work on saying what you feel clearly and take responsibility for figuring out your own mixed up reactions before you hide behind contradictions or ambiguities.

Boundaries may shift. We may make adjustments in our choices and our actions. This is where we need to work on accommodating differences, incorporating the other's needs and keeping ourselves separate, even in the midst of exploration and investment, in the interest of sustaining energy, excitement and passion. We may have a week where we see the other person every night. The next week, we may only see each other once. The frequency may have changed. The connection may allow for spontaneity or surprise, but our feelings remain the same.

I may or may not talk to you tomorrow, but I like you. I really like you when I see you a lot. And I really like you when there's space between us. In fact, us being separate means that I miss you, which reminds me how much I really like you.

Connection isn't about merging. It's about coming together and going apart and coming together again. The dance is sweet.

Emotional investment in another person can be terrifying. And yet, most of us are so hungry for it, we'll go to great lengths to find the opportunity to open ourselves and take in another. Even when it hurts a little, it makes us feel alive.

It's never easy and relationships are full of missteps. It's not a perfect system. But when we like what we're getting from the other person, starting from a foundation of mutuality and generous, authentic expressions of appreciation and caring go a long way and count for a lot. Remember, guessing where you're going for dinner on your next date or when they might call you in the middle of the night, just to let you know they were thinking about you can be playful and provocative. Guessing whether or not the other person likes you and likes kissing you or can't wait to find someone cooler to date so they can finally get away from you is torture.

In the process of getting to know someone and opening ourselves to another, our anxieties may knot our stomachs and keep us awake at night, but they may also offer a surge of adrenaline, a flush of our cheeks and an irresistible impulse to pump our fist in the air when that phone does ring and we're met with a barrage of sweet-nothings.

It's part of what makes dating interesting.

Soon enough though, many of us grow tired of guessing and long for clarity and stability. We start to grow accustomed to what the other offers us, and we want it when we want it. And we don't want to wait for it.

Some of us err on the side of predictability. We plan out everything. We talk/email/text the other person everyday. We want to know everything about the other person. The unknown stops being tantalizing and just makes us anxious or frustrated. We're more prone to feeling threatened. We need the other person to reassure us. We want more because more feels bigger and better and means we're less likely to be caught off guard in the end. We want to feel a sense of ownership - we'll never say it - but in asking for predictability or exclusivity, we want reassurance that we're not going to lose our investment. We know we stand a lot to lose and our awareness of that fact grows the deeper we allow ourselves to want from the other.

Some of us are all about spontaneity. Who knows when we might talk again? Maybe never? Everything is moment to moment. Contact with one another depends on our whims. Our emotional investment in the other person may come and go. Sometimes we may like the other person. Sometimes we're really digging her/him. Sometimes... eh... not so much... let's see what else is out there. We come and go. Approach and retreat. When we're into it and both on the same page, it's good, it feels great and everybody's needs get met. When there's a discrepancy between what we're needing and what the other person is needing, it can feel bothersome, frustrating or demanding. We feel when closeness or need threatens us. We worry about falling into something we can't control. We pull back. Deny our feelings. Send mixed messages.
We cast off what feels like a fit, just in case there's something we missed. We deny ourselves what feels satisfying and worthwhile in the interest of saving face should something take an unfortunate turn.

As humans, all of us long for consistency. It soothes us and makes us feel safe. It's comforting and predictable and helps us plan and feel in control. Many of us also want excitement, independence, freedom. We struggle with how to find a balance and we often end up neglecting one side of the equation or the other. Either way, we lose something. Potentiality slips away and regret creeps in. We swallow the mythology that this is what happens in relationships, and we close ourselves off to insight and to new possibilities.

So what, when faced with this paradox, are we to do?

Well... now, that's another blog entry...

In order to scoop ice cream well, you need five things: 1) the right tools; 2) a little confidence; 3) attention to impact; 4) perspective; and 5) practice.

Some examples…

Teddy has been working at Super Scoops for the past three summers. He’s one of the most efficient scoopers at the shop and, in less than a minute, can craft a triple scoop waffle cone that is so well balanced he can flip it backwards over his shoulder before finally passing it over the counter to his doe-eyed, pig-tailed customer. He is always careful to use a clean, warmed metal scoop and to bend at the elbow, not the wrist, when scooping. He applies just the right pressure from cream to cone, making sure to gently pack the inside as well, to insure that each bite is both smooth and crunchy. And on the rare occasion that he encounters a cracked cone, scoop slippage or drips? Well, Teddy simply shrugs it off with a chuckle, tosses the cone aside and starts again.

Tiny wanted to work at CD Heaven this summer but turned in his application too late. He grumbles at customers who ask for extra sprinkles or who don’t know the difference between a cake and a waffle cone. Tiny is always leaving the scoop inside the tubs of ice cream. They are always cold and sticky and the ice cream sticks and comes out flat and uneven. Tiny uses his fingers to unstick the ice cream. He is anxious and distracted and is either crushing the cones from too much pressure or precariously balancing his scoops on the hollow, dry cones, which wobble and leak onto the hands and shirts of his disgruntled customers. Tiny uses obscenities and offends parents of young children who are often seen leaving the shop crying, with empty fists and empty bellies.

Teddy gets online after work and notices that Talulah is online as well. Though he’s feeling a little tired, he takes a moment to send a quick “hello.” Teddy chats playfully with Talulah, alternating between thoughtful questions about her day, silly stories and flirtatious compliments and suggestions. He is careful not to overdo his use of smilies or acronyms. He never woos or sends virtual hugs or flowers. He reads Talulah’s responses carefully and monitors and adjusts his own responses throughout the exchange. If there is a misunderstanding or misstep, he is gracious and gently returns the conversation to a place that is mutual and comfortable. He is tasteful, but provocative, and very descriptive and he always leave Talulah with chills of anticipation when they finally sign off.

Tiny gets online to check his email, leaving himself signed in to chat, but feels annoyed when Talulah, who is actually super sexy and nice, sends him a “hello.” He sends one word responses, leaves conversations unannounced for extended periods and fumbles awkwardly as he comments exclusively about himself. He can tell Talulah likes him and wants to play but he’s tired and grumpy. Instead of signing off, he sulks and is self-deprecating and is unappreciative of Talulah’s attempts to cheer him up. Although Tiny can feel the awkwardness of the interaction, he is unattuned to Talulah’s social cues and chalks the bad feelings up to Talulah’s being needy or attention-seeking. When Tiny abruptly ends the conversation, Talulah is left feeling insecure, rejected and misunderstood.

Whether a Teddy or a Tiny, ice cream scooping, like flirting is sometimes hit or miss. But with practice and a willingness to take some chances, even Tiny can master the triple scoop and win Talulah’s heart, or at least score a hot makeout session one weekend.

And for those of you who scoff at the idea of flirting, online or otherwise, you can always pass up the frozen treats and order the pie. But sooner or later, you’re going to want it à la mode.

“Seven players, oiled up and usually wearing only boxers or briefs, gather on each side of a field. Each team takes its turn sending a 'raider' into enemy territory to tag one of his opponents. The raider must then get back to his side of the field before the tagged opponent can stop him. It is after the tag that kabaddi gets rough… scissor holds, tripping, headlocks — it's all fair. In the sports' traditional version, the raider isn't allowed to draw a breath while on the opposition's turf, and must continuously shout 'kabaddi-kabaddi-kabaddi' to prove he isn't cheating. In today's version, he has thirty seconds, and spends most of it locking limbs with his defender, the pair grinding groins together in a painful looking manner.”

The article goes on to question whether kabaddi is, in fact, any more or less homoerotic than other contact sports in which men participate. It’s an interesting question. Why is it that men, particularly straight-identifying men, engage so enthusiastically in outlets such as these? What is it about the sanctioned touching of other men, the sweat and grit of man-on-man contact, the grunting and ultimate release that comes from intense physical efforts to dominate one another that is so appealing?

Who are we kidding? Just about every playground game, boy club or professional sport you can think of is packed with eroticism (and not just because so many involve balls and sticks…)

And what about the ladies? Why is it that more women don’t find similar types of activities just as satisfying? I mean, I loved Red Rover but… well, actually…

Think about some of the playground games that were more often associated with girls.

Jumprope – Lots of boob movement. Ropes. Group voyeurism.

Mother May I, Simon Says, Red Light Green Light – All exercises in dominance and submission.

Crack the Whip – Need I say more?

Four Square – Balls and boxes.

And to say nothing of the countless opportunities we found to hold hands, caress each other’s hair, try on each other’s clothes and tongue kiss each other (I’m not alone here, right?)

Kabaddi is just one more excuse for us to hump our peers. (As if we need an excuse to hump our peers.) I say, more of it!

And if anyone's interested in starting a Crack the Whip league... I call Captain!

I am absolutely fascinated by people’s creation of profiles - the choices they make about which photos to post, the intense politics of listing friends (what order do you put them in and who gets displayed as your top 3?) Browsing through people’s obviously self-conscious descriptions of themselves is such an interesting study in human relationships – George Herbert Mead would need to change his trousers! You can take more risks online, say those things that you think your best friend who always has the best sexy stories to tell would say, be more playful, uninhibited. Of course, the trouble comes when things go really well and you actually want to meet the person and then realize that you'll probably never live up to the romantic image of yourself that they have enjoyed via email and instant messaging... but that's another blog entry.

There are three aspects of online interaction that I’ve found serve me well. The first is the amount of control I feel like I have over both my initial presentation and my subsequent responses. Now, I recognize that this sense of control is imperfect. I mean, bigfur49 who posted a webcam shot of himself in his stained flannel probably looked at his photo before he posted it and thought, "Oh yeah... that's the one!" and I'm guessing he didn't get the overwhelming response for which he was aiming. But still, having the option to proofread, to edit and to delete aspects of your presentation while still maintaining a relatively intact sense of self, is a real treat.

The second is the time delay – there is lag time between responses that allows for absorption of the information and the ability to review or modify responses before sending them. It’s not a perfect system (as anyone who has ever IM'd with me knows) but it helps.

And finally, distance. No matter how much I want someone to like my online persona, and no matter how accurately that persona represents my true self, if someone doesn’t like me, I can always reason that somehow my awesomeness got lost in translation… that if only they REALLY knew me, they would be chomping at the bit to be best friends forever. And so maybe if I tweak my profile a little, stop listing Card Sharks as one of my favorite shows, or add a new glamour shot where you can see my cut abs, all will be well again in my virtual life.

Yeah, maybe it means I spend more time online in a dark room than I really should. And maybe it saves me from taking certain social risks that would probably teach me things about myself that I never knew, but seriously... it's so much more fun and you can meet 40 new people in your neighorhood who are as enamored with Card Sharks as you are, without ever leaving the comfort of your desk chair. Plus, it's so much cheaper than therapy.

It’s actually quite simple, really. You see, Milton Bradley and Parker Brothers are sadists. Their goal is to tear your family apart – and not a neat tear, either – it seems the more painful and drawn out the conflict, the more successful the game.

The worst, by far, is Trivial Pursuit. Someone is sure to get punched in the throat during this one. Here’s why:

“Oh… that’s an easy one!”

“C’mon… you know the answer… just think.”

“I thought you said you were good at geography.”

“We should’ve gone with my answer.”

“Dammit… that would’ve been for a piece of the pie. Next time, I roll.”

But don’t get me wrong. It’s not just the intellectual challenge that creates conflict. Even a game as random as Sorry will do it.

“Sooorrrrryy…”

And these aren’t even games of strategy. I knew a woman whose whole family was murdered following a game of Othello. The note her brother left before taking his own life was clear, “I couldn’t stand it… Dad’s turn is so long. And I hate Mom and Cassie.”

Now that Game Night technology has exploded, families are at even greater risk. What sick bastard thought up a DVD version of Family Feud? Yeah, that’s what we need… throw a remote into the mix! Better yet, have the game run without being able to pause it… that way, when someone inadvertently talks through a question, there’ll be no way to hear it again and the bloodbath can take place while the timer ticks out on the television screen – the screams muted by the theme song and Richard Karn’s incessant chatter.

I’m not saying never play another board game with the one you love.

I’m not.

I’m just saying, when you play a board game with the one you love, you may want to have a suitcase with your essentials packed and ready by the door.

Sex-pigs.

If the term is new to you, you are not alone. I, myself, first understood the term as a reference to what farmers and drunk frat boys turn to for relief when they're feeling lonely. But alas, it seems that the more widely agreed upon definition refers to men who have a lot of different kinds of sex with a lot of different men. What seems to irk most critics, is the assumption that these men have sex without much concern about STDs, HIV or falling in love and making a commitment to a single life partner with whom they can settle down, buy a house and get a tiny dog that they can dress in stylish sweaters during the cooler months.

Evolution Publishing's SxNews recent post, Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Pig? points out that "many guys who celebrate being a gay man in this way, have a lot of skill and knowledge in negotiating the journey and take deserved pride in knowing how to keep themselves, and the men they get it on with, free from harm." So why the big fuss, not only from conservative straight folks but from many within the gay community, itself?

Haven't all of us had at least one experience, or at the minimum, a fantasy about indulging in a little sex-piggishness?

What appears to be happening, judging from the common use of the term to demonize and shame all gay men, and to some extent, anyone who enjoys sex just for the sake of sex, is that the boundaries of the definition of sex-pig are slowly expanding to include more and more of us. Hell, my own mother is a sex-pig according to some groups' definitions (and I'm not referring to that one fisting incident that you shared with me when you were drunk, Mom, because I swore then and will forever swear to keep your secret and never, never tell anyone about that.)

What's so bad about sex-pigs anyway? Some of my best friends are sex-pigs (Ron, Martin, Kevin, Ethel). Good for those folks who still approach sexuality with creativity, excitement and an appreciation of the inner workings of the digestive tract.

Bully for you, piggies.

Apparently, Kirk's got issues with what's happening in our country these days - no, not the war... no, not the media spending millions of dollars tracking a crazy lunatic who looks like the type of guy who might have molested and killed Jon Benet. No, Kirk's upset because women are making poor dating choices. Don't question how this connects with everything that's going wrong in the U.S.!... If Kirk thinks there's a connection, then there is!

In his article, Kirk outlines his "Relationship Triangle" theory. Details of the theory are a bit sparse but apparently, it has something to do with paying attention to your feelings, understanding your needs and having sex with Kirk. One gets the sense from looking at Kirk (see image below) that he's not had much physical contact in the past 6 months, nor has he had a shower.

On first read, I did find one of Kirk's statements compelling. In discussing the Jackass and Shy Guy Effects and why women choose to be with men who are mean to them, Kirk writes, "For them, it is most likely a ruse that the girl will play with herself in order for her to justify that she is the better of the two in the relationship."

The girl will play with herself?

But then I realized that's not what he meant.

In summary, Kirk's article raises three important points:

1) No one wants to date Kirk.
2) If you don't want to date Kirk, that's your problem.
3) Avoid sunlight.

It took me three days to write my profile, which turned out to be fairly boring and certainly not an accurate representation of who I am. I spent at least two sleepless nights trying to decide which books and movies would best communicate the core of my inner being. I even had a professional photograph taken so that I would have a flattering picture of myself to display on my profile page.

Since then, I've been getting into other online networking sites, including LinkedIn and MySpace.

Many of these sites offer torturous features like a community ranking system where people can vote on how cool or attractive you are, and all seem to focus on how many people are already linked to you. What does it say about me that I only have seven friends? My sister has 42 friends and one of her friend's friends has 113.

Now, I spend at least two hours a day, logging in, making sure I still look pretty enough and seeing who has viewed my profile recently.

When I see that someone has viewed me, I check out their profile to see who they are and then I wonder... what did you think when you read my profile? Why didn't you send a virtual hello? Are you working up the courage to send me a private message or did you think I was too plain? What are your friends like and are they more attractive or wittier than me? And now that I've viewed your friends' profiles, why haven't they obsessively checked to see who viewed them and then clicked on my profile to see who I am? When your friends do view my profile, will they encourage you to contact me or will you all laugh about my music interests and my failed attempts at humor behind my back?

I'm doubtful that I'll ever meet someone with whom I can have a sustained relationship with via these sites. But I'll keep logging on, trying to build my network and trying to get a ranking higher than 4. Next time you're online, log in and if you want... you can send me a friend request. I promise, I won't reject you the way that Subdeep611 apparently rejected me.

While the study claims to have controlled for other variables that may explain the differences in reported sexual behavior, questions remain about the subjective categorization of the song lyrics and about whether listening to these songs leads to sexual activity, or if research participants who became sexually active earlier, were more likely to listen to genres of music that might be sexually explicit.

Let's be frank... clearly, we're talking about lyrics in rap and hip-hop here.

Could it be that researchers failed to identify more subtle sexual innuendos or degrading descriptions of women in other genres of music? It's possible... some can be quite tricky to catch, but may be just as damaging to the teen psyche.

For example, perhaps we should no longer allow teens to listen to:

BROADWAY SHOWTUNES

"I'm a toy balloon that’s fated soon to pop... But if, baby, I'm the bottom, you're the top!"

Cole Porter's You're the Top, from De-Lovely

"If she fights when her clothes you are mussing, What are clothes? Much Ado About Nussing. If she says your behavior is heinous, kick her right in the Coriolanus. Brush up your Shakespeare and they'll all kowtow."

Cole Porter's Brush Up Your Shakespeare, from Kiss Me, Kate

"But he drew me close and he swallowed me down...down a dark slimy path where lie secrets that I never want to know."

Stephen Sondheim's I Know Things Now, from Into the Woods

COUNTRY MUSIC

"Mama, lock your daughters up, that vile bunch is back in town, and them little girls get frisky when they hear that racecar sound...They're bringing out the yellow flag; somebody's brakes have failed...Theres an oilslick on the inside and a wreck along the rail...You'd better stand on it, Stroker cause a bandit's on your tail."

Charlie Daniel's Band's Stroker's Theme

"Girl, you’ll remember what your knees are for."

Sugarland's Baby Girl

JAZZ AND BIG BAND

"You perform miracles whenever you hold me near...Tender, warm miracles that make me surrender dear, yes and when you kiss me heaven opens wide... And there you are inviting me inside."

Louis Armstrong's Fantastic, That's You

"Flat Foot Floogey with the floy floy...floy doy, floy doy, floy doy, floy doy."

Benny Goodman's, Flat Foot Floogey

And don't even get me started on CLASSIC ROCK!

The Fiat.

Their claim is that the Fiat has "the allure of the wholesome and uncomplicated."

Second place goes to the Aston Martin DBS, which Top Gear says "has a special place reserved in the heads and loins of mid-40s, early mid-life crisis men."

Third is the Maserati Quattroporte which "seduces your eyes away from your brain."

And fourth is the Chevrolet Camaro, a "creature of legend."

I find this classification fascinating, so I've decided to try my hand at it.

Below, I take a look at ten of the cars least likely to make it beyond a one-night stand. Feel free to add your own commentary or classifications to the list.

#1The Renault Clio

She's short and fat and will let you do freaky things to her, but then she'll text you 45 times a day and will get your name tattooed on her butt.

#2 Volvo Station Wagon

It was fun getting high with him and his friends at the beach, but now you've got crabs.

#3 Ford Ranger

He just got out of a bad relationship and he cried in front of you within two minutes of meeting you, but when he asked you to hold him, something just let go inside.

#4 Studebaker

You saw Harold and Maude and you thought the old broad could teach you something new. She rocked your world and if your friends wouldn't make fun of you, you'd marry her in an instant.

#5 Ford Pinto

You woke up and your wallet was gone.

#6 Unidentifiable Car

The sickest thing you've ever done.

#7 Half Car

Admit it... you've always wondered what it would be like...

#8 Ford Van

He said he'd lost his puppy and if you'd help him, he'd give you a lollipop.

#9 Acura Integra

This one definitely took you from the back.

#10 Ford Tempo

Same position every time, fell asleep immediately and ate the last of your Cookie Crisp.

The argument is not that erotic content, big boobs and sexy backstories detract from the sport of wrestling. It seems to be that too much erotic content, big boobs and sexy backstories detract from the sport of wrestling. Or that, perhaps, the erotic aspects of professional wrestling would be better received by fans if the images and storylines spoke more to their individual fantasies.

There are plenty of opportunities out there for fans who are interested in mixing sexuality with wrestling. If you like a little girl-on-girl action, check out WEW. Like it co-ed? Try Steel Kittens. Or if you're into big, hairy, naked guys putting each other in figure fours, you'll love Global Fight.

But if you, like many wrestling fans, prefer something a bit more gritty, maybe you'd find something like this more stimulating:

Announcer Earl: It's time for the event we've all been waiting for. Piggy Pete and Bulky Bob have been all over each other for years and have finally agreed to settle their differences with a naked cage match.

Announcer Fran: That's right, Earl. This is the first naked cage match since Grappling Gregory separated his scrotum in his fight to the death with Hairless Hector. This'll be a match to remember. No clothes, no rules. Just a cage and two naked, greased up guys.

Announcer Earl: And here they come!

Lights go out, gay disco anthem plays.

Announcer Fran: And Piggy Pete wastes no time. He's in the ring for 10 seconds and already he's got Bulky Bob bent over!

Announcer Earl: Aw...but watch out! Bulky Bob uses a reversal to get himself on top of Pete!... He's got his arms up under his thighs... he's pulling him over... and he's got him pinned!

Announcer Fran: It's not going to be that easy!... Pete's managed to trap Bulky Bob's elbow using his overly developed buttock muscles. He's got his face between his knees and... oh no! A Fist Flapper!!

Announcer Earl: That's right... Bulky Bob has somehow managed to draw Pete's arm into his body and he's using leverage to turn Pete onto his stomach. These two men have got to be exhausted! Surely this can't go on much longer!

Announcer Fran: What's this?... Famed tag team members - Crook, Rip and Shuffle are entering the cage. And Vixen, their big-breasted dominatrix manager is right behind them!

Announcer Earl: Looks like we've got a Gang Bang, Fran!

Announcer Fran: It's chaos! I can't tell who's doing what to whom!

Announcer Earl: Does it matter, Fran?

Announcer Fran: No, Earl... I don't think it does matter. All I know is this is one for the record books. A five man, one woman battle of nakedness!... I'm glad I don't have to clean up the ring after this one!

Announcer Earl: Ha ha! Indeed, Fran... indeed!

In response to the event, July 19th was declared the International Day of Action Against Homophobic Persecution in Iran. Many gay rights advocates have called for worldwide protests against the “murderous homophobic Iranian regime." Heart-wrenching photos of the boys' execution have been posted all over the web. The images are horrific and sad and the story is certainly provocative and worthy of outrage.

Still, one can't help but wonder about the timing of all of this. Some would argue that there's nothing coincidental about the campaign to demonize Iranians and Islamic law at a time when the Middle East is both imploding and exploding as a result of U.S. foreign policy. Is it possible that the anti-Iranian rhetoric flying around is less about homophobia and more about condoning imperialistic military actions in support of the "global war on terror?" Could it be that well-intentioned, but poorly informed, gay rights activists may be inadvertantly, or in some cases, explicitly supporting the Bush administration's push towards regime change and the occupation of Iran?

This is one story that's worth taking the time to check sources and get it right. Sure, "I hated Iran and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" is a clever slogan - but let's all agree not to jump on the anti-Iran bandwagon too prematurely. Everything we read is worthy of suspicion and remember... there are plenty of homophobic governmental policies worthy of our outrage right here at home.

Some folks like sightseeing. For me, spending a week running in the heat from one crowded tourist destination to another, reading brochures, wrestling with maps and riding on trolley tours sounds like the pits. But if that's your game, more power to you.

Some folks like cruises. All-inclusive packages mean you can eat until you barf. Drink until you barf. And spend a week on a boat, playing shuffleboard, dancing and barfing. Good times.

Some folks like camping or backpacking. I sleep in my own filthy stink at home and hate climbing the three flights of stairs to my office.

Some folks like beach vacations. Hot, sweaty, gritty. That's right up my alley.

And then there are some folks who prefer a relaxing vacation traveling to a foreign country where they can see the sights, kick up their heels and pay a seventeen-year-old native islander to be their boyfriend for the week.

Sex tourism.

As summer approaches, there are more and more news articles raising awareness about the topic, highlighting the shameful exploitation of economically vulnerable, underage women and men and calling for public outrage.

And believe me, I am outraged. But one sex tourism advertisement caught my eye in particular.

It's called the Tantric Waves Dolphin Retreat. And yes, it is what you're thinking. It's a four day, three night trip to Mozambique, during which you will stay in a tented camp and enjoy oceanic sexual energy massage, sexual meditation, tantra, learning about the art of sensuality and being sexually serviced by a dolphin.

And it's only $585 per person!

I'll let you make up your mind for yourself. But if you're into it and decide to go, let me know and maybe we can share a tent.

According to the 2005 U.S. report (pdf),

Less than one half (47%) of students reported having had sexual intercourse in their lives. This number is less than the number of students reporting sexual intercourse in 1995 (53%).

Only about 14% of students reported having had four or more partners during their lifetime, as compared to the 18% who reported four or more partners on the 1995 YRBS.

Among sexually active students, 63% reported that they or their partner used a condom at last intercourse. This number is up significantly from the 54% of sexually active students reporting condom use in 1995.

These results are certainly encouraging. What explains the changes? Is it that the "don't do it until you're married" messaging from the abstinence-only movement is working? Is it that avoiding talking with teens about sexuality, HIV/AIDS, STDs and birth control actually keeps them innocent and saves them from their awakening sexual impulses?

Hardly.

Actually, what we found in 2005 in Massachusetts is that students who had HIV/AIDS education in school actually postponed sexual activity longer, had fewer partners, were more likely to avoid STDs and pregnancies, used condoms more frequently, and talked more with their parents about sex.

(To view this chart more clearly as a pdf, Click here.)

Want to see even better results for teens in future years? More education and better communication about sexuality may be the keys.

In June, the Food and Drug Administration announced their approval of Gardasil, a vaccine developed by Merck that is nearly 100% effective at preventing the most common types of HPV, including the types that lead to cervical cancer, precancerous genital lesions and genital warts. The vaccine is a series of three shots and is approved for use in females 9-26 years of age. The vaccine is most effective when given to girls before they start having sex. Studies are currently in the works to examine the effect of the vaccine on boys after which, perhaps as early as 2008, recommendations for the use of the vaccine for boys may be added.

There were murmurings of protest from folks who worried that a vaccine against a sexually transmitted disease would give a green light to young teens to have lots of unprotected sex. These claims were shot down in studies that indicated that 1) STDs are usually not a consideration for teens when deciding whether or not to have sex; and 2) that the availability of a vaccine for HPV would have no significant impact on teens' decisions about sexual behaviors.

Last week, the HPV vaccine crossed another critical hurdle. The Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP), whose recommendations are usually accepted by federal health officials, and influence insurance coverage for vaccinations, recommended that 11- and 12-year-old girls be routinely vaccinated against HPV. The ACIP also said the shots could be started for girls as young as 9, at the discretion of their doctors.

This means that a new generation of young people will soon be receiving what could be a lifesaving vaccine. Cervical cancer rates are expected to drop dramatically as more young girls receive the protective series of shots. This is big, big news! Unfortunately, it appears to be big, quiet news as most people are not only unaware of the availability of the vaccine, but are completely unfamiliar with HPV, itself. So spread the word! And for parents of girls, talk with your doctor so that you can make informed choices about your daughter's health.

Cheers to Moore and Gebbie for taking a stand! Let's face it, the Peter Pan folks have plenty of other things to find offensive. Here are my top five:

5. Peter Pan Syndrome - a self-helper's paradise. Need an excuse to remain irresponsible and socially awkward for the rest of your life? Your inner child is calling.

4. My last trip on a Peter Pan bus. My ticket was wicked cheap so I wasn't expecting VIP but what was that sticky stuff on my seat? Why did the man behind me whistle for the entire four hour trip? Why did the interior of the bus smell like shrimp? And would it have killed the driver to wait five more minutes for me to finish up in the bathroom before laying on the horn?

3. Peter Pan Peanut Butter - why does it have to be so sugary and delightful? My teeth hurt just thinking about it. Because of Peter Pan Peanut Butter, all other peanut butters taste too peanutty to me. That's crazy! Peanut butter being too peanutty?!

2. Neverland Ranch. Need I say more?

1. Pixyland Website - you've probably already seen it or at least heard about it. Careful not to spend more than ten minutes on the site and DO NOT listen to the complimentary mp3s! That's how he gets your soul. I'm on prescription sleeping medication after watching this video of the guy -- it will FREAK YOU OUT!

That's right... Lysol - the highly caustic product that we use to rid ourselves of dirt and grime. Women were encouraged to annihilate their naturally occurring vaginal flora and open their entire genital tract to irritations, infections and disease by spraying poisons up their punanis.

Surely we've learned something over the past 85 years? Take a look at this recent print advertisement and decide for yourself.

Most of us, at some point or another, dream something sexy. Whether it's just abstract images and physical sensations or very specific, graphic scenes featuring neighbors, friends or colleagues, there are mornings when we may wake, blushing, wondering, "Now why would I dream about that? I don't even think of Hank like that!"

There are lots of theories about the meaning behind sex dreams. According to one site, some native cultures encourage sex dreamers to act upon their dreams - to attempt to reenact scenes upon waking in order to resolve any physical or psychic distress. Other theories suggest that dreams with sexual content actually aren't about sex at all, but are about our perceptions of ourselves or about how we believe other people perceive us.

While both men and women have sex dreams, one study indicates that women are more likely than men to be passive participants in their sex dreams, often watching the sexual activity from the outside.

For those that have them, sex dreams can be distressing, pleasurable, confusing or repulsive. Regardless of their meaning, there are a few important points to remember when it comes to sex dreaming:

1. If you want to dream about sex more often, try writing down whatever details of your dreams that you can remember. While relaying your dreams to others, embellish details and always incorporate a naked sailor into the plot line. Watching movies and television shows right before bed may also boost up the sexual content of your dreams. I personally recommend the second season of Three's Company.

2. The morning after a sex dream, do not spend $15 on a pregnancy test. That's not how babies are made.

3. When someone with whom you work is featured in one of your sex dreams, do not tell the person this. It will make him/her feel uncomfortable. It is also inappropriate to compliment people on their involuntary, fictional sexual performance. Even more importantly, never offer tips or criticism about what someone did poorly in your sex dream, even if you mean it to be constructive.

4. Don't assume that if someone was in to you in your dream, that they want to date you in real life. Remember, 95% of the time we look hotter in our dreams than we do in real life.

5. Use images from your dreams to stock up on sexual fantasies that work for you. Sex dreams are harmless. Enjoy the dreams that you have and keep them for yourself. If you dream about something that makes you feel sexy, don't worry about whether or not the images are taboo, strange or forbidden. Remember, no one but you needs to know that your sheets were damp after waking up from that dream about your mother slapping you in the face with a fish.

Apparently, Lindsey Goldrick broke the heart of some poor lunatic in England and as a result, he launched the website, www.yesweknowyouknowlindsey.com. The site is more than just the ravings of a lonely, rejected madman however. It is a meticulously documented record of every (and I do mean every) hurtful detail of their six month relationship. From their passionate courtship on Soulmates dating site, to their retrospectively inevitable implosion. It's so awful and though you can't help but feel for this guy, he really is out of his mind.

And poor Lindsey. All of the intimate details of her life (including quotes from correspondence and photos) posted for all of us to see. How awfully humiliating it must be for her. Seriously.

You really must see it.

After reading through it several times (I just wanted to make sure that I didn't miss anything... I mean, I do want to be impartial here) it's obvious the relationship was doomed from the start and sweet, tender Lindsey should be glad to be rid of him. But it's like a novel that you're so immersed in that you don't want to turn the last page.

So, Lindsey's ex-boyfriend...

Lindsey...

Can't you try to work it out? Can't you find the love that first drew you together? Can't you rekindle the passion that you so clearly felt for one another?

And then can't you break up a year from now so that I can read all about it on www.yesweknowyouknowlindsey.com?

There are standard lines that while effectively gentler in their delivery, also carry an air of inauthenticity that is bound to make the recipient's head figuratively blow off her/his shoulders. "It's not you, it's me," "If I were ready to be in love with someone, it would be you," and "We're such good friends, I think we should hold on to that" are a few examples.

If you're going to vary from the handful of pathetic reasons for breaking someone's heart that are at your disposal, you have three choices: 1) be specific about what didn't work, taking full responsibility for your part but also explaining why you're choosing not to work at mending fences; 2) use a line that is so bizarre or so funny that it catches the other person off guard and distracts them from the actual pain they will experience two days later when they remember that you were serious about it being over; or 2) make it mean and hurtful and hope that the other person doesn't have a license to carry a handgun and that the billboard, website and spam emails that your ex spends the next three years launching won't impact people's decisions about whether or not to date you.

Below are some examples of break-up lines from BBspot, Snipes, Logomancy & So So Psychosis and So You've Been Dumped. Nobody wants to hear them but they do make a break-up story worthy of repeating. Feel free to add your own.

"It's not like if we tried for the rest of our lives, you would get to be better in bed."

"I love you, but being with you is limiting my ability to meet someone I would want to marry."

"I don't think we should date any more, but we can still be on each other's buddy lists."

"I love my mother more than I love you. Get your stuff and get out."

"I simply misspoke all those times when I said that I loved you and that everything felt so right."

"Well, I don't think just not talking to you is going to be enough space for me."

"I'd like a true beauty so I don't have to spend so much time photoshopping your ugly face out of our photos."

"How will I know I want to spend the next 50 years with you unless I date other people?"

"I've gotten all I can out of you. Leave me."

"I am breaking up with you now before you get too attached to me....so I am doing you a sort of favour, aren't I?"

"I think we have three choices: 1) stay together, 2) take a break, or 3) break up entirely, and I want 2 or 3."

"By the way, we broke up. About two months ago. I forgot to tell you."

"So long and thanks for all the fish."

But are these technology-based displays of affection as intimate as some of the more old school modes of romantic communication?

Below are five previously popular but now dated strategies for public declarations of love. While these methods are still popular among certain subsets of the population, I fear the trends are shifting away from these profoundly impactful displays. This is not only a loss for potential recipients of such romantic gestures, but for the rest of us who get to voyeuristically participate in their delivery.

1) Graffiti - While graffiti is still pervasive, particularly in urban areas, graffiti messaging related to love and sexuality has been reduced to two primary categories: rumors and slurs (otherwise known as "for a good time call" messages) and illegibles (messaging that is impossible to decipher unless you are the writer or the intended recipient). While both categories may be completely legitimate modes of communication (one may, in fact, have a really good time if they call Roberta, and squiggly dot thing that looks like a flag may, in fact, love boxy orange stripe with the arrow), I am excluding them from this category because the proclamations are not public enough. Those that never enter that bathroom stall or cannot interpret the message itself cannot be expected to be impacted by their posting.

I'm talking about messages in very public places like bus terminals, sidewalks and bridges. The longer the message, the more impressed I am with the display. It only takes 30 seconds to spray paint "I love you, Betty Lou" but it takes a good minute and a half to spray paint, "Betty Lou, you are my heart and soul. I love you, baby girl." I'm also most impressed by graffiti that appears to have been challenging to complete -- written in areas that are tough to reach, areas which require the writer to work upside-down or backwards, or to have to climb steep, rocky terrain or cross three lanes of traffic to and from the graffiti site. I never fail to be moved by these displays. When I see them, I'm tempted to pull off the highway, speed-dial Betty Lou and say, "Girl, if you don't marry him after this, you crazy!"

2) Radio Dedications - Shout outs don't count. Just saying your loved one's name on the air is not a dedication. A real dedication must last at least one minute and must include the following elements: the name of your girl/boyfriend; intimate details about your relationship; and a declaration of your undying love and commitment. The radio station and the song to be dedicated are secondary, however, picking a song that actually reflects the content of the anecdote you just shared publicly makes for a more profound dedication. Stories that cover the entire history of the relationship, particularly if they detail the difficult times are perfect. Extra points can be scored for quoting the song lyrics to be played in your declaration of love and for revealing previously undisclosed information on air ("Jamal, I love you... and the test came back positive.... you're gonna be a daddy!" or "Dana, I know I told you I cheated on you last summer, but I was just mad... you're the first, the last, the best.") Radio dedications carry more of a punch if they air during common listening times. You should have to call the radio station at least twelve times and wait at least ten minutes for someone to pick up in order for it to really count.

3) Tattoos - We're all familiar with some of the more ironic tattoo displays in Hollywood (Winona Forever). Perhaps you're thinking maybe it doesn't make sense to rush out and get your loved one's name permanently inked on your body to wear around for the rest of your life?

Wrong.

Tattoos are an inspired choice for a public display of love. Of course, the location of the tattoo must be easily viewable during the warmer seasons. Messages of love that are three words or more are more romantic than simply wearing her/his name on your body. The bigger the writing, the more you love the person. And if you're truly committed, capping it off with an inked portrait of your true love is practically a guarantee that you will be riding off into the sunset together on your Harley to live happily ever after.

4) T-Shirts - When it comes to wearing your love for your partner on your chest, you have three options. You can go low-effort and simply wear matching shirts at the same time. That's so cute it hurts and makes me want to punch both of you in the face.

You can wear a shirt in lieu of a tattoo with a simple message such as "I heart Vern."

Or you can go hardcore and wear a shirt that has a picture of the two of you together with either a message about how much you love each other or the dates during which you have been together printed across the bottom. If the t-shirt required you to sit still at a mall kiosk while a fifteen-year-old printed the iron-on transfer from a computer, your love is true and I just know that you and your partner are going to make it.

Note: Wearing a generic t-shirt that says, "I love this wo/man" with an arrow pointing to the left of you doesn't count if you're not currently in a committed relationship and standing next to your partner.

5) License Plates - This is another public display that requires time and effort and is therefore deserving of appreciation. The average wait time at the Department of Motor Vehicles is 45 minutes. Once you reach the counter, you can expect to pay $50-$100 for a personalized license plate. This doesn't even take into account the three days which you spent figuring out that N84 EVA was as close as you were going to get to telling Nathaniel how you really feel about him. And remember that you'll have constant reminders of your love each time you get caught speeding, forget to feed your meter or park in a loading zone.

If that ain't true love, I don't know what is.

This is absolutely genius.

Amusement parks have long been considered a prime gathering spot for adolescents and young adults, and visits to amusement parks have been associated with sloppy public displays of affection, the wetting of the pants, sounds of pleasure and exhilaration and the acquisition of various communicabe diseases. The idea of making learning about sexuality and relationships an engaging opportunity for socializing is nothing short of brilliant. The possibilities are endless.

The creators of the park have been gathering input from leaders in health and education, pharmaceutical companies, and public health officials to design effective and provocative exhibits that are informative as well as tasteful. Although I was not contacted directly, I humbly submit the following three ideas to the Academy of Sex and Relationships:

1. STD Thrill Rides

The park could feature several thrill rides intended to educate the public about the most common sexually transmitted diseases. For example: Gonorrhea Gulch could take passengers on a riverboat ride through sour fish-smelling waters followed by a stop at the urinals of fire. Chlamydia Canyon could take riders on a relatively uneventful rollercoaster ride, ending abruptly with all passengers being funnelled out through the exit turnstiles, no longer able to produce offspring.

2. Water Park

In addition to celebrating water play, the park could feature a series of twisting lubricated slides at the end of which are pools of various bodily fluids. Strategically placed cameras would automatically snap park visitors' pictures as they emerge from the pools. (Need to talk with park officials about legal issues re: charging riders for protective masks and body suits.)

3. Midway Gaming

Dildo Ring Toss, Pop That Unidentifiable Sore, Guess Whose Baby You Just Fathered and Whac-a-Clit. Prizes would include condoms, dental dams, ben wa balls and various plush animals.

Participation in the event involves raising pledges from family, friends and neighbors based on the number of hours you plan on masturbating. According to the website, the longest time so far is 7.5 hours - ouch!

Spaces for women-only, men-only, voyeurs only and exhibitionists only will be set up -- although some might suggest that the voyeurs and exhibitionists would do better together as the voyeurs only group promises to be fairly boring, with a bunch of people sitting around, clothed, just looking at each other.

Comfortable seating and popular sex gadgetry will also be provided on site.

To find out more about the event, or to find a Masturbate-A-Thon site near you, check out the website or this listing.

The New Sex Institute, which is based out of Beverly Hills, California and apparently consists of one guy who thinks he's really good in bed and wants to tell everyone about it, recently released a study claiming that Missouri and California are the most sexually adventurous states. The study was rigorously* conducted and was based on hard* evidence (the New Sex Institute's sales of DVDs, books, toys and other items).

* Both puns are intended.

Critics of the study point to flawed scientific methods and assumptive definitions as evidence that they are clearly just jealous that their states fell so low in the rankings. Does simply purchasing a sex toy or video necessarily mean that the individual intends to use it?

What exactly does it mean to be sexually adventurous? Rosecrans Baldwin points out, in an absolutely hilarious article that you must read, that everything that can be done sexually has already been done, usually badly. For most of us, the term sexually adventurous has positive connotations. We imagine someone sexually gifted with a high self-esteem, lots of experience with satisfied lovers and an unusually open mind. We do not necessarily consider the person who is a poor lover with little to no experience who watches porn alone in the dark every weeknight and who occasionally works up the courage to ask his teenage neighbor if he can "do something freaky to her." We do not consider the person who introduces a new technique into her lovemaking repertoire, leaving her partner horrified and traumatized and unable to sit down without using a donut. We do not consider the person who insists that for the four times a year that she has sex, it must always be in the missionary position -- but who, upon getting drunk one night, spends ten minutes humping on top of her fully-clothed lover before ultimately rollling over onto her back and dissociating.

Sexual activity is sexual activity. It's tough to categorize, especially using hierarchical definitions. In addition, the quality of sexual activity is entirely subjective. What makes one person an uberlover with one partner, may make them a flop with another lover.

Certainly the purchasing of sexual products is no indication of how willing a person might be to experiment sexually. Most sex toys are pretty standard and straightforward. Some have gimmicks, but when tested, don't hold up and others might be creatively designed but just aren't practical for most of us.

And we all know that the majority of sex videos feature exceptional acting, compelling storylines and provocative soundtracks, right?

Before you use someone else's measure to determine whether or not you are sexually adventurous, decide for yourself what the phrase means and whether or not it's a quality you wish to have. After all, some would argue that Bernd-Jürgen Brandes was sexually adventurous and he didn't fare very well at all.

There are a lot of theories out there about the causes of ED, why we may be seeing more diagnoses of ED, and what men who experience ED should do about it. Last week, The Washington Post published an article implying that one reason more men may be experiencing erectile dysfunction is because women are becoming more sexually assertive and may initiate sexual behavior more often than in the past. This, reportedly, puts more pressure on men who subsequently experience less pressure in their nether regions.

This didn't go over very well with a lot of folks. For example, articles in both Salon and the San Francisco Chronicle blasted the article, pointing out that one could just as easily argue that a leveling of the sexual playing field would relieve pressure that men may feel to carry the burden of initiation and may open the door for a wider range of sexual roles, behaviors and identities. In addition, they point out that the Post's survey data is incomplete. We can't make generalizations about the experiences of one group of male college students without knowing more about their identities, their experiences, and their behaviors. Perhaps there are more obvious explanations for why a young man being hit upon by a young woman may not be able to get an erection -- like maybe he's gay?

I, myself have incredible sympathy for men whose penises are misbehaving and not doing what they want them to do. I have a two-year-old, so I know how that feels. Unfortunately though, we've created an environment in which adolescent men, college-aged men and men who are aging are all thrown into a panic and are encouraged to run to their pharmacy the instant their penis falls limp.

I think we may be missing the point by stirring up strategies to make their penises behave, whether it's in the form of a prescription or not. If performance anxiety and social pressures really are causes of ED, how about if we all agreed that sometimes, it's ok for our parts to malfunction or misfire? How about if we spent more time learning how to communicate with our partner(s) so that a shift in initiation roles or sexual play wouldn't have to feel so threatening? How about if we acknowledged that all of us, men and women, don't always have perfect sexual responses and that's ok?

It's not really doing the issue justice to boil it down to whether or not a penis gets hard. In most cases, that only gets at the mechanical aspect of the issue. And it isn't that changes in cultural norms and social roles have only impacted men as indicated by their lack of biological sexual response. Women's bodies may just be better at concealing similar symptoms. In fact, one might argue that women have been experiencing a lack of satisfactory sexual response far longer than men have -- not because there is something wrong biologically with them, but because many of them were having sex with men who didn't know what was pleasurable for them or who weren't willing to give them that.

Before we all go looking for pills and creams and patches that can make our bodies harder or wetter, perhaps we should explore first if there are ways in which we might alter our strategies for relating and communicating around sexuality. Gender roles aren't the only things that have shifted over the years. We are also living in a culture that has been steadily slipping backwards to adopt more puritanical standards for sexuality than we had even a decade ago. If the answer to solving the erectile dysfunction puzzle is for women to revert back to being passive sexual prey whose job is to do what it takes to coax a man's penis to attention, a lot of women are going to be really pissed off. A lot of men who have enjoyed getting sexual attention from women are going to be disappointed. A lot of men who have sex with men are going to be left out of the equation and a lot of lesbians are going to have to scrap their weekend plans.

Upon seeing the movie, E.T. for the first time at the tender young age of ten, I found the only way I could emotionally accept the heart-wrenching conclusion of the film was to imagine that in the postscript, E.T. and Elliott remain connected to one another – communicating regularly through their mutually constructed “Speak & Spell umbrella turntable” and planning occasional visits to each other’s home planets. This addendum to the movie, created by me, helped to calm the chest-heaving sobs with which I was left, sitting in the dark of the movie theater.

The elements that made the Elliott-E.T. model of long-distance connection comforting were fairly simple.

1) All parties involved decided what the acceptable parameters for separation were.

2) All parties had realistic expectations of the challenges and benefits to time apart.

3) All parties communicated and reinforced their emotional connection prior to leaving, as well as throughout the separation (“I’ll be right here.”)

4) All parties set up an agreed upon timeline and method for checking in about the status of their connection.

5) All parties demonstrated incredible creativity in the ways in which they worked to maintain their connection.

6) All parties lived fully while apart and were able to appreciate the advantages that the separation offered them, even while missing their loved one and anticipating their reunion.

Unlike the Elliott-E.T. scenario, long-distance relationships based on one planet, offer an additional potential element that may make separation more palatable – the time apart may be temporary.

Separations are hardest when there are different expectations of the relationship, when feelings about the separation (both positive and negative) go uncommunicated, and when the timeframe for the separation is undefined.

Another aspect of long-distance relationships with which individuals may struggle is when one partner remains behind while the other ventures out to a new place or a new job. Here, the strain is two-fold. First, the partner who is leaving not only leaves behind her/his loved one, but also her/his home, friends, the comfort of familiarity. For the partner who goes away, the separation can feel intensely lonely as s/he has the added burden of isolation, at least initially, being in a new place where s/he will be meeting new people and having new experiences.

For the partner who is left behind, imagining his/her partner in a new place, meeting new people and having new experiences can be anxiety-provoking and can feel threatening. S/he may have concerns about the other person being forever changed by experiences while away, while s/he remains behind, stagnant and dull. S/he may imagine a parade of more attractive opportunities presenting themselves, resulting in his/her loved one’s decision to leave the relationship and the past behind for greener pastures. In addition, the partner who remains at home may find him/herself surrounded by reminders of the other person's absence.

Either way, both individuals may find themselves waking up lonely in an empty bed, fantasizing about what was left behind and mourning the possibilities of what might have been had they stayed.

Long distance relationships are hard, but they aren’t impossible. To ensure the highest likelihood of success, a plan needs to be laid out prior to the separation:

∙ How long will the separation last?

∙ What do both people expect from the relationship during the separation?

∙ What are the challenges and opportunities that both people anticipate experiencing as a result of the separation?

∙ How will the connection be preserved and possibly strengthened during the separation?

∙ What does each person need from the other person during the separation?

∙ How often and through what preferred methods will the partners communicate about the relationship?

Both people also have to fully appreciate the other person’s position in regard to the separation:

∙ What is s/he excited about? Nervous about?

∙ What benefits or challenges will I have that s/he won’t?

∙ What benefits or challenges will s/he have that I won’t?

∙ What may be hardest for him/her during this separation?

∙ What might s/he need from me during this separation?

In addition, both people need to have permission to feel whatever they feel during the separation, even if it wasn’t anticipated beforehand. There’s no way to predict what feelings will come up or how things will play out beforehand. Being able to talk about whatever emotions are experienced, unapologetically, is critical to maintaining an open line of communication.

Advances in technology have provided new options for minimizing the pains associated with separation. Take advantage of whatever options are available to you, making sure to use creativity and variety in how you reach out to each other. Plan visits, make phone calls, email, use webcams, handwrite letters, send photos, share a journal, create a webpage, text message – find ways to communicate consistently to help normalize the separation without intensifying negative aspects. And if the separation is temporary, remind each other and yourselves of that on a regular basis. Allow yourself to plan for and fantasize about your reunion without putting the rest of your life on hold.

Leaving can be a real drag, but without leaving, you lose the opportunity to experience the joys of coming home.

You may be participating in a ceremony to mark your commitment to your partner, or simply rekindling passionate memories. Inarguably hearing a live band or a jukebox playing “your song,” can be an incredibly moving experience.

The key is to pick a really good song to be “your song.”

This is an area in which many couples make mistakes - mistakes that can lead to miscues, heated arguments and in severe cases, bitter separations.

Here are a few tips about choosing an appropriate song to represent your love relationship:

1. Make sure that you and your partner both know the song and agree on it’s special meaning. One of the most common mistakes that people make when choosing a song is to have one partner choose it without informing the other person. Later, driving in the car when the song comes on the radio, you turn sentimental and say, “Awww… they’re playing our song,” and your partner says, “That song? I hate that song.” Another romantic moment dead and gone.

2. Make sure you know the lyrics. There are few things more pathetic than looking deep into your lover's eyes and provocatively mouthing, “we can be as two and set fire to the sun,” to an LL Cool J song only to learn later that the lyrics are actually, “so you can bug-a-loo and set fire to your buns.”

3. Make sure the song can withstand the test of time. In 1997, hearing Celine Dion belt out “My Heart Will Go On” sent chills up your spine. Now it makes you want to kill yourself. As a general rule, if a song is played on the radio more than 30 times in an hour for three months straight, it’s not a good choice. And if it’s sung by an artist or band members who are under the age of 18, steer clear. It’s unlikely that New Kids on the Block, Aaron Carter or the little drummer boy from Hanson will really have a handle on the emotions you feel towards your partner fifteen years into the relationship.

4. Avoid songs with creepy or disturbing implications. Nothing kills the mood faster than songs about murder,

“I knew I’d miss her/So I had to keep her/She's buried right in my back yard” Used to Love Her by Guns N' Roses

songs about sex with minors,

"She's only seventeen/Daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me” Seventeen by the then 28-year-old lead singer of Winger

songs about stalking,

“Every game you play/Every night you stay/I'll be watching you”Every Breath You Take by The Police

or sexually explicit songs that leave nothing up to the imagination.

"Swingin' in there/Cause she wanted me to feed her/So I mixed up the batter/And she licked the beater" Cherry Pie by Warrant

5. Avoid songs that feature someone’s name if that’s not your name or the name of your partner. It makes no sense for Dwayne and Chris to be snuggling up to a song about Melanie, Sarah or Jennifer.

You can check out some of the more popular love songs here. But don't leave this decision up to sappy Internet geeks or cliche-loving strangers. Few things can be as personal as this. So give it some thought... take your time and then be sure to tell all of us so we can make fun of you.... What’s “your song?”

The federal abstinence-only-until marriage guidelines, which are explicitly referenced within the state’s funding guidelines, dictate that all programs must teach, among other things (see previous blog entry for more info) that

“a mutually faithful monogamous relationship in the context of marriage is the expected standard of human sexual activity.”

One program, Healthy Futures, funded both by the state of Massachusetts and the federal government, meets this requirement fully. The group was formed in 2002 by A Woman’s Concern, a pregnancy resource clinic that describes its mission as “extending the unconditional love of Jesus Christ to those whose lives may be affected by a challenging or unexpected pregnancy…thus empowering each one to uphold the value of human life.”

Exactly whose standard of human sexual activity are we talking about? A 2001 Gallup poll found that only 38% of Americans viewed pre-marital sex as wrong. 60% said that pre-marital sex was okay. And when younger adults were asked, the number was even higher (67%). 80% of Americans admit to engaging in premarital sex. Even 88% of virginity pledgers ultimately have sex before they are married!

While evidence suggests that the overwhelming majority of Americans believe that sex outside of marriage can be acceptable (and in lots of cases, preferable), Christian fundamentalist conservatives continue to produce reports touting the dangers of pre-marital sex and co-habitation.

Spend one hour reading through some of the "science" posted on these sites and decide for yourself how scientifically sound their research is and whether or not the values and principles inherent in the lessons our tax dollars are currently paying for are in line with what you, yourself, believe.

First of all, for those that might accuse me of being insensitive, let me say this – I can appreciate a good Shania Twain song as much as the next person. Still, something about this story leaves me with uncontrollable giggles.

A man died – that’s unfortunate and tragic. The image of him in only a "blue dressing gown" while his wife allegedly gyrated in front of him, singing Man, I Feel Like a Woman, however, is priceless. Why she was using a loaded shotgun as her stage prop, is still a mystery. Ms. West claims that her husband was enjoying the sex play and asked her to dance with the shotgun.
Regardless, it must have been a hell of an ending.

Courtroom spectators were reportedly awed by the defendant’s reenactment of the event using a broom handle. One rumor claims that the display was skillfully performed with court officials and gallery members rising to their feet with applause at its climax. Personally, that don’t impress me much.

Bikini waxing or the removal of the patches of hair that would otherwise reveal themselves along the edges of our underwear and bathing suits is nothing new. What is new is the shift in public unacceptability of any pubic hair at all. If we look at the history of leg and underarm hair removal for women, this trend towards hairlessness may in fact, be difficult to reverse. Apparently, once hairlessness is in, it’s in for good.

Like other types of body modification, for many people, landscaping their pubic areas is a means of self-expression. Some people claim greater sensitivity. Some say they feel sexier hairless. Some say that removing pubic hair allows a person (or persons) to have a purer sensory experience of the genital area – sight, smell and taste no longer hindered by a barrier of hair.

There are, however, a few downsides to hairlessness. First, it takes a lot of time. Men and women are spending an inordinate amount of time shaving, trimming, waxing and plucking their body hair. For many, it’s a daily routine. Imagine if we spent that much time engaged in some other, more productive activity like learning a new language, volunteering, picking up litter, spending time with our friends and family or blogging.

It’s also incredibly expensive to remove hair. Whether you pay a professional to remove it or you stock up on industrial size hair removal products to carry out the task yourself, it costs a lot of money to get bare. There is a multi-billion dollar industry that is just itching (pun intended) to help you get rid of your naturally-occurring hair and to treat the subsequent razor burn, ingrown hairs and rashes that result from its removal. In one year, Gillette made more than $8 billion on the sale of razors alone. Imagine if we spent that much money on something more beneficial like feeding hungry people, buying school supplies, repairing roads or paying bloggers.

It’s healthy to have hair. Pubic hair helps to protect our more vulnerable parts. Shaving and harsh chemical treatments can result in rashes, cuts, broken skin and infections – conditions that are not only painful, but can also present opportunities for other germs (like sexually transmitted diseases, for example) to more easily infect our bodies. And while it’s fine to prefer to be hairless, the message is that it’s not okay to have hair. That body hair is dirty, ugly or a sign of poor hygiene. Those that choose not to shave, may fear they will be ostracized or teased.

Humans are one of the only mammals who remove our own hair, and one could argue that we are the only animals who remove our hair purely for vanity sake. This is particularly strange considering that the purpose of much of the body hair that we remove (under our arms, on our legs and near our genitals) is actually to facilitate attraction and mate selection. Body hair helps to transmit our natural pheromones, hence its placement near our bodies major scent glands.

Whatever your preference – hairless, bushy, landing strip or intricately patterned – pubic hair trends are bound to impact all of us at some point. Whether it’s on our own body, the bodies of our partners, or that guy at the beach whose bathing suit is way too small – we can’t escape the fact that pubic hair is on everyone’s mind these days, even if it’s not on their crotch.

It got me thinking.

When will we learn that a broken heart and alcohol don’t mix? Whether it’s public exposure or drunken phone messages, a depressant and lowered inhibitions are not a good mix for someone who is in the dumps. I understand the appeal of distraction and escape. But seriously, when was the last time you heard of a depressed, lonely person who was recently rejected by someone they loved, getting wasted and feeling better? In fact, when was the last time you heard of a depressed, lonely person who was recently rejected by someone they loved, getting wasted and not ending up humiliated, getting punched out or going to jail?

There is plenty of advice out there for someone who is grieving the loss of a relationship. No one out there recommends getting smashed and exposing yourself, especially not for Mexican fast food. And if they do, I’d be suspicious. They’re either looking to make a fool of you, or they work for Taco Bell.

Thinking about my own youth, there were lots of times when I said things or agreed with things that I knew were crap. I dressed as the grim reaper and went from class to class with kids from the Just Say No club, talking about the evils of drugs and alcohol even though I myself drank alcohol occasionally and didn’t die. I sat in the bleachers of our pep rallies, chanting that we were going to “Beat the Bulldogs!” even though I knew that our football team sucked and would lose the whole season. I even signed a pledge card once to remain drug and alcohol free until graduation and filed it with the principal’s office.

Adolescence is a time when the pressure to conform is felt most intensely. It’s when reputations matter the most and when the capacity to defend what may make us different from other people is not fully developed.

Take a few minutes to page through some of the abstinence-only-until-marriage campaign posters produced by the Old Orchard Junior High School in Skokie, Illinois. While some of the posters appear heartfelt and reasonable – warning of the consequences of having sex before you are ready, encouraging peers not to have sex just because they feel pressured – most of the posters appear to have been thrown together at the last minute with an abstinence slogan tossed onto it in order to complete the assignment. They are unconvincing at best, some of them seeming silly or ironic.

What you will find, however – and this is what makes me feel saddest – is a handful of passionately conceived posters proclaiming the evils and dangers of sex. Not sex before you’re ready. Not sex outside of marriage. Not sex with multiple drug-addicted, abusive criminals. Just sex.

Look at these four examples:

1) Abstinence Poster #1 This poster implies that having sex (does not specify sex as a teen or sex outside of marriage) is stupid and offers you nothing but diseases. There is also a suggestion that condoms are ineffective and unreliable.

2) Abstinence Poster #2
This poster actually takes the message a step further, demonizing not just sex outside of marriage, but pleasure, itself. Accented by a lightning bolt, and a no symbol over a heart with flames (perhaps indicating passion?), the poster seems to imply that feeling good will result in swift punishment.

3) Abstinence Poster #3
This poster makes me so sad. The teen contrasts a person who has not had sex (beautiful, virgin, proud, doing well in school, focused on future, healthy and happy) with a person who has had sex (nasty, not pure, ashamed, failing in school, pregnant, with no future, lines under the eyes, unhappy). Again, the message implies that the cause for all of the negative outcomes is simply sex.

4) Abstinence Poster #4
This is the poster I find most disturbing. Among the things associated with sex (again, not sex outside of marriage or sex when you’re young) are hate, lies, death, insanity, deafness, rage, suicide threats, murder and torture. Read the list in the background out loud and you can feel the emotion behind it. Think about how this person may feel about her/his own sexuality, her/his own body, her/his own desire. It’s tragic.

Unfortunately, some young people may be more vulnerable to these messages. Whether it is a matter of age or maturity, family life, trauma history or social standing can be debated. What’s important, and why we should be outraged, is that abstinence-only-until-marriage messages aren’t just ridiculous, baseless annoyances. Some of the messaging is getting through to our younger generation and teaching them to hate or fear parts of themselves. They are impacting the capacity of young people to be healthy and happy and to have fulfilling adult relationships.

My partner’s mother jokes that we’re teaching young people that sex is a dirty, perverted, dangerous thing that you save for the one you love. I used to laugh at that.

1. Non-threatening intentions

People respond best to flirting that feels fun, even if it’s intense. Flirting that makes another person feel nervous, guilty or uncomfortable is no good at all. Often what helps ensure that flirting remains non-threatening is the explicit reality that the chance of something actually happening between the two people is extremely unlikely. Of course, holding on to any possibility, however remote, can make it even more exciting and is part of what keeps your adrenaline level so high. Boundaries are important. Flirting is best when there’s a lot of dancing around those boundaries without ever crossing them. It’s a tricky balance, which is why flirting effectively is an art.

2. Chemistry

You either have it or you don’t. Flirting is no fun if neither person has even the smallest smidgen of attraction to each other. And flirting when one person feels it and the other doesn’t can be awkward or annoying. Chemistry can be generated from physical or emotional attraction. Some of my most intense flirting experiences have taken place with hideously disfigured friends of mine. The electricity that you exchange in really good flirting circumstances – either from a look or a touch – is what makes it so compelling. If it ain’t there, it probably ain’t worth doing.

3. An open invitation

Flirting only works if it’s welcome. This applies not only to the flirtee but also to secondary parties like the partners of the flirter and flirtee. While I’m not suggesting that your partner needs to enthusiastically encourage the other person to get all sexy and provocative with you, there does need to be a shared understanding of the meaning behind flirting and some reassurance that boundaries will be respected. Flirting can turn into psycho drama when a partner of one of the flirters feels threatened. Keep flirting respectful and restrained and it’ll keep everyone happier.

4. At least two clear-headed, conscious participants

Alcohol or drugs may help lower inhibitions. This may make flirting more likely to happen and may even make it more intense. Being too drunk or high, however, makes for sloppy flirting, thereby increasing the likelihood that someone will feel uncomfortable or disrespected. Effective flirting avoids the “o my god, I can’t even look at that person” next morning mantra. Skillful flirting should leave everyone feeling good with no regrets. Monitoring your alcohol and drug consumption and minimizing opportunities for intense flirting when you’re drunk or high may make sense.

5. Opportunity

Obviously, flirting only works if you’ve got the opportunity to do it. That doesn’t mean you have to be alone together. Intense flirting can happen in the midst of a group interaction if you’re sitting next to each other, or even passing by each other. You may need to make your own opportunities to flirt by consciously moving nearer to the person. Remember however, that obvious, excessive flirting can leave others feeling left out and may sour social gatherings. As a rule - keep it subtle, keep it brief or spread it around.

First of all, it is important to remember that the concept of continuing the friendship with your ex is an impossibility. The nature of a break-up is that it terminates the current relationship between the two parties. A new and different level of friendship may be established following a break-up, but it is important to remember that the relationship has been forever changed. It may be for the better, it may be for the worse, but it will definitely be different. Don’t waste your energy struggling to hold on to something that’s past the point of saving. Instead focus on the future – with or without your ex in your life.

Beware of Premature Proclamations of Mutual Admiration

During the first two weeks following a break-up, emotional reactions tend to distort perceptions of the relationship most dramatically. You may find yourself focusing entirely on the good qualities of the relationship, romanticizing the way things used to be and fantasizing about how much better you would feel if you were back together. Or you may find yourself demonizing your ex, cataloguing every character flaw, every bad habit, every personal failing and chastising yourself for having stayed so long.

Remember that nothing about a relationship is simple, especially not the end of it. No matter how angry or hurt you may feel at the end of a break-up, at least some of the qualities to which you were initially attracted, still exist in your ex. At the same time, remember that no matter how much you may feel that your ex was your ideal mate, the end of the relationship indicates that something didn’t work. Give yourself time to ride the emotional rollercoaster you inadvertently boarded when your relationship ended. Whether you experience it as jolting or exhilarating, it is recommended that you remain seated throughout and postpone pondering the possibility of future interactions with your ex until the ride comes to a complete stop. For some, that may be a week later, for others it may take five years. Be patient and treat yourself and your ex gently. If you end up never speaking to your ex again, taking the time to process the break-up won’t have cost you anything. And if you manage to reestablish some kind of connection with your ex in the future, giving yourself time to experience all of what the relationship and subsequent break-up meant for you can only help bring clarity to your situation.

In movies and on television, there are popular examples of failed romantic relationships that resulted in lifelong friendships. Some of us mistakenly equate being respectful and rational and valuing the positive aspects of our past relationships with maintaining some level of connection with our exes. I mean, wouldn’t it be petty and childish not to?

No.

Consider What's Best for You, Your Ex and Every One Else Involved

During a break-up, we do what we need to in order to get through the experience. There is no right or wrong way to handle a break-up, and when it comes to interacting with your former lover, rational thinking may not be your strongest motivator. In 95% of situations where an individual is interested in staying connected to his/her ex, the motivators for doing so are unrealistic, unfair, selfish, irrational or in the most extreme cases, insane. One person has held on to an unrealistic ideal and wants some way of holding on to the past. One person is hungry for attention and is willing to get it even in the most inappropriate of circumstances. One person is feeling lonely or unfulfilled and is hoping her/his ex will be able to fix that. Rarely is it the case that two people who were romantically involved in the past, choose to reconnect and become friends for completely benevolent reasons. Both people come into the new friendship with their own sets of experiences, expectations and needs. It’s unusual for both parties to be on the same page, at the same time. More often than not, there are differences in how each person defines the boundaries, the scope and the depth of the friendship that make it nearly impossible to avoid feeling awkward and unsure around each other.

This is not to say that it doesn’t or can’t happen. When there are children (or in some cases, pets) involved, it may be impossible to completely avoid one another. Maintaining civility and mutual respect is different however, from having a friendship and hanging out with one another. Social interactions don't have to be painful or freaky. It means however, that both people have to come into the new relationship with honest (and explicit) intentions. Why does being connected now make sense? What are you hoping the relationship will offer you? How does it feel to be together again? Who else may be impacted by your decision to reconnect (your new partner/s, your children)?

If you’re interested in reconnecting with your ex, it’s best to give it some thought first. Be prepared to be rejected and though it may be hard not to take it personally, understand that for most people, total separation from their ex may be their least painful, most sensible option. For those who manage to overcome the obstacles and who reconnect, navigate the new relationship carefully, understanding that from time to time, the waters are bound to get murky. And if it gets really weird, be grateful for what you had in the past and move on.

Still, when a recent edition of a fashion or gossip magazine hits the racks boasting a love quiz that will reveal all, men and women will claw over each other just to get to it before someone tears it from the pages and takes it home. When asked about the legitimacy of these test results, the overwhelming majority of testtakers admit that the assessment of them as a lover based on their answers to eight questions in a Glamour magazine carries very little credibility. Most avid horoscope readers describe a similar compulsion despite their perception of horoscopes as being unreliable.

So what is the appeal? Why are we so compelled to respond to tests, quizzes, and questionnaires around love and sex?

First of all, almost all of us love opportunities to be self-centered. Sex and relationship quizzes are an opportunity for us to think about, and in many cases, talk about our own beliefs, values, behaviors and ideals. We have a compulsion for self-reflection. When we read or hear stories about other people's lives, our thought process is often 1) take in the information; 2) make a judgment about how the information relates to us. You're reading an article about Tom and Katie, some of the things you might be thinking: I wish I could've worn low-rise jeans when I was 8 months pregnant, I would never agree to a silent birth with no medication, I wish my chest looked as good as Tom Cruise's when I was half his age, If I were them, I would stay out of the public eye, I felt devastated about my recent break-up and my boyfriend was ugly and broke.

Instinctually, we all want to find ways to make everything about us or at least relate to us. So a quiz or a survey, no matter how invalid the results may be, provides us with an opportunity to indulge our preoccupation with ourselves.

Answering these questions, whether privately or with friends, also appeals to our desire for validation. By comparing ourselves to each other or to a publicized standard (even a fictional one,) we are seeking reassurance that our behaviors, attitudes or beliefs are within the realm of the accepted. We all breathe a sign of relief when a quiz informs us that our responses are normal, common or understandable. Even the most critical of popular self-assessment tools usually offers the test-taker a common category under which their responses fall. They suggest that even if you are a freak, there are other freaks like you who have answered the questions similarly.

This drive for a sense of belonging is so strong, we don't mind if the categories to which we are assigned are silly or insulting. A desirability quiz that categorizes you as a "limp fish," at least categorizes you... it means there are other limp fishes out there just like you!

That said, I would like to offer my own version of a sex and love quiz that will serve to allay all of your fears and insecurities and relieve you from any responsibility to change anything about the way in which you currently execute your romantic life. Take five minutes and answer the following five questions:

1. You and your partner are settling in for a romantic evening alone. The activities you have planned are:
a) a candlelit dinner, music and dancing and a marathon love-making session
b) watching porn alone in the dark in your bedroom while your partner sits alone crying and compulsively taking prescription medications.
c) Scrabble
d) killing and eating a hobo

2. You've been with the same partner for a year and a half and feel it's time to take it to the next level. For you this means:
a) taking a vow of monogamy
b) getting married
c) getting a tattoo of your partner's face on your backside
d) telling your partner about the time you killed and ate a hobo

3. You and your partner have agreed to meet at 9:00pm at the local movie theater to see a 9:30pm showing of the latest blockbuster. It is 9:29pm and your partner has not arrived. You:
a) give up, take a seat and enjoy the film
b) pace back and forth aggressively swearing and threatening those around you until you are asked to leave the theater
c) call your partner's cell phone, say, "Bitch!" and hang up
d) write a complaint letter to Steven Spielberg

4. You and your partner are lying in bed together. S/he begins nuzzling your ear. You:
a) sneeze
b) embrace your partner and begin to undress each other
c) shout "Kangaroo!" and begin hopping wildly upon the bed
d) close your eyes and hope that if you lie still enough, your partner will think that you're dead

5. The cartoon character which you believe most represents you as a lover is:
a) Speedy Gonzalez
b) Mister Magoo
c) Velma from Scooby-Doo
d) Cruella DeVil
______________________________________________________________________________________________
For every time you answered a, give yourself 1 point.
For every time you answered b, give yourself 2 points.
For every time you answered c, give yourself 3 points.
For every time you answered d, give yourself 9 points.

Add up your score and find your corresponding category:

Your score is between 0-4
OK, so you didn't answer every question... no big deal. You're great and anyone would be lucky to have you as a partner. Keep doing what you're doing, even if it is half-assed. People love you.

Your score is between 5-10
You are one sexy muthaf-er! Seriously... how do you do it? People would pay truckloads of money just to learn half of what you know about sex and romance. You're so sexually potent that you just got four people pregnant while you were tallying up your score... and one of them was a man! Ooooooh... you're smokin'!

Your score is between 11-20
You are someone that anyone could fall in love with. You are attentive and thoughtful and attractive. When little girls and little boys play house, they imagine themselves with a partner as perfect as you. You're so dreamy that I'm blushing just thinking about you... I really am... you're that dreamy.

Your score is between 21-30
Those other people who got scores less than 21 but more than 30 are total losers. They are pathetic and they can only fantasize about being as fabulous as you are. Clearly, you are superior. I know you didn't need a quiz to tell you that, but I don't mind telling you anyway... you are a cut above the rest. You really have outdone yourself.

Your score is between 31-45
It is so moving how amazing you are. You're like the eighth wonder of the world. Screw the Mausoleum at Halicarnassus! You are the ideal -- the most beautiful thing in the universe. And you're not fat at all. You look spectacular and you're super smart and you smell nice and your friends and family are lucky to have you. You make everything around you better.

Your score is over 46
So maybe math isn't your strength. Or maybe you felt that your answer to Question 4 rated a higher score than we had suggested. Kudos to you for thinking outside the box. You're awesome and you answered this quiz exactly as we hoped you would. No one but you got it. That's how good you are.

I, myself, have become a connoisseur of sexual noise-making, having studied it carefully over the past several decades. My observances are based mostly on the symphonic sexual adventures I have been privileged (or perhaps voyeuristic) enough to have witnessed throughout my time living in college dormitories, cramped student housing, and urban apartments. Add to this, twenty-five years of occasional stays in hotels, motels and public campsites, and you will see the scope and breadth of the reverberations to which I am referring.

I will admit, I like hearing other people having sex. Not necessarily because I find it arousing, but because I have a competitive streak. I have an unquenchable interest in comparing myself to others when it comes to sex noises. Are they louder than me? More eloquent than me? Funnier than me?

And I’m fascinated by the range of sounds that people make during sex -- from the quietest, but most profound sigh to the loudest, longest proclamations of pleasure that I have ever heard. Most sounds associated with sex fall into one of five categories:

Sighs and whimpers

These sounds are perhaps most common among women. They are also the least likely to be witnessed by others in close proximity, in fact sometimes, unless your ear is right up to their lips, you might not have any idea that a noise was made at all. Sighs and whimpers are often extraordinarily breathy and high-pitched and are most frequently short in duration though they can be repeated off and on for long-periods of time.

Grunts and groans

These sounds are often guttural and may be associated with periods of intense thrusting or pounding. While often attributed primarily to men, the frequency of grunts and groans among women and men are actually fairly equivalent. Like sighs and whimpers, these sounds tend to be repeated throughout the sexual exchange, though they may be more likely to originate from the more aggressive sexual partner.

Repetitive phrasing

This category includes a variety of references which are repeated, usually in close succession, during sexual activity. The tone and volume of the utterances often intensifies as climax approaches. Common examples include repetition of the words yes, oh god, more, deeper, harder, faster, don’t stop and I’m cumming.

Namecalling

Often associated with fantasy or roleplaying, namecalling is commonly overheard by witnesses of sexual encounters. The names, themselves may range from terms of endearment (baby, my girl, papi, big daddy) to the nastiest of insults (bitch, slut, dirty whore, spoodgebox.)

Fantastic commands

This category includes the more verbose utterances – whole sentences, or in some cases, diatribes that are spoken during the heat of passion. They tend to be directive in nature whether they are based on fantasy play, (Spank me, Professor Toughnuts!) instructions for providing pleasure, (Hit me like that, Big Guy… in the hole, in the hole!) or their context may be unexplained, (You know I gooble when you slurp the nimbler, you Kyzocky!) These are what I consider to be the crème de la crème of sex talk. They may disturb you. They may excite or amuse you. But after hearing them, you are forever changed.

Whatever our chosen expression of pleasure, we should be grateful for the opportunities that we have to share them with the world. As for my downstairs neighbors, if you could just enunciate a little more clearly, I’d appreciate it. Last weekend, I couldn’t quite make out that last thing you said. C’mon baby, do what to you one more time?

MSN (which, contrary to popular belief, doesn't stand for “men who have sex with no one”) recently provided some tips for conversation starters for women who are pursuing men. Below are three of their recommended lines with my editorial comments:

"Can you close my bracelet for me?" Or "Can you help with this crossword puzzle answer?" or any other plea for assistance.

First of all, where are you trying to pick up men? A jewelry store? If you aren’t already dressed and bejeweled, you probably aren’t ready to start your night. And if you’re in a club or at a party doing a crossword puzzle, you’re already a social disaster! Then again. We would do well to remember that, apparently, there is nothing more appealing than incompetence. Why not try something like “Can you help me dress myself?" Or “Could I trouble you to wipe me?” (Actually, that one’s got potential…)

"Don't you think Batman's cooler than Superman because he doesn't have super-powers to fall back on?"

Works great if you’re trying to proposition a 10-year-old boy. That and bringing a stuffed animal with you. Unless superheroes come up spontaneously in adult conversation, referencing them as an icebreaker will give you the immediate power to make people stay far away from you.

"This new Snickers bar is fabulous. You've got to try it."

No one wants a bite of a stranger’s food. Unless you’re looking for someone with no personal boundaries or an innate desire to acquire hepatitis, avoid offering food from your mouth or your hand.

Instead of trying to come up with something clever and rehearsed, try relaxing and being yourself. Use body language to show interest. Make small talk about what you already know you have in common (that you’re at a party, bar, club… that you’re listening to the same band or music.) Acknowledge that it’s tough to meet people. Try starting off with, “It’s so hard to meet people in places like this.”

Be prepared to feel awkward and remember that not everyone will be interested in you but that the right person might. Keep trying and if one scene isn’t working for you, talk to your friends about opportunities to meet single people that they know, join a club or take a class where you’ll be spending time with people with similar interests. Try out online dating where some people feel more comfortable being direct and avoiding all of the awkward small talk.

Meeting people is hard. Don’t look for a script to make it easier. And definitely don't offer strangers food that you're in the process of consuming... that's just gross.

That’s right. The Sims.

The game is perfectly suited for someone like me – a control freak with unrealistically high expectations of herself. In my Sim world, I seem to be able to manage everything. And when you factor in cheats that provide you with unlimited funds, the ability to move backwards in time, and the power to make people fall in love with you, well now that’s a game I can really sink my teeth into.

The interpersonal aspects of the game are actually the most compelling for me. There is something about being able to control both sides of the interaction that I find exciting and rewarding even when the exchange results in the two Sim characters becoming red-faced and smacking each other. In fact, I find simulated social interactions that are uncomplicated or easy, least remarkable.

As a result of reading more about the movement in the video game world to develop and market games that center around sexual activity, I have been thinking more about the nature of gaming and social interactions.

The new wave of video sex games provide for multiplayer interactions. Instead of sitting alone in your room, making first one simulated character take his/her shirt off, and then another take his/her shirt off, these games would allow another gamer, anywhere in the world, to virtually flirt, pursue and ravage you. I imagine the appeal is similar to sex talk in chat rooms – lowered inhibitions, anonymity. Multiplayer video sex games certainly have their place, I suppose. And for some, it may be a safe outlet for exploring sexual interests. I doubt, however, that it will be a forum for practicing romantic or emotionally intimate exchanges.

In my Sim world, there is a blending of reality and fantasy. I can do things that I would never do in real life (like spend $2,500 for a flat-screened tv when I’m unemployed). My choices about how to carry out tasks or activities in the game also reflect my real anxieties, insecurities and ambitions (like the fact that I choose to swim in a conservatively-cut one piece bathing suit, despite the fact that my Sim's body is smokin’.) When I imagine introducing another live person into my Sim world, where s/he could impact the environment and the character that I created, I do not imagine myself feeling freed up, excited, my inhibitions lowered. Instead I picture myself feeling self-conscious and irritated. I’m less likely to engage in provocative sexually play with the other character and more likely to chastise them for putting their feet up on the sofa and for leaving an empty pizza box on the floor.

My Sim and my sex lives are already complicated enough.

You’re settling into bed with your partner, who is reading a book. You’re feeling tired but your partner is looking really good to you and you’re thinking about fooling around.

Your partner says: “Have a good sleep.”

You think: “I guess s/he is tired and wouldn’t be interested in fooling around.”

Your partner is thinking: “We haven’t had sex in a while. S/he’s usually so tired at the end of the night.”

You think: “Maybe a good night kiss will help the situation.”

You kiss your partner quickly on the mouth and then lay back down on your side of the bed.

Your partner thinks: “That was nice, but if I make a move and s/he doesn’t want to, that’ll suck.”

You think: “Nothing… I guess I was right… s/he doesn’t want to fool around tonight.”

Your partner moves closer to you but keeps reading.

Your partner thinks: “If s/he’s into it, s/he’ll feel me and move closer and then we can fool around.”

You think: “Great… now not only do I not get to have sex, but now s/he’s hogging my side of the bed.”

Initiating sex is a tough job. It’s made even tougher by our discomfort with talking about sex and sharing our intimate feelings with another person. There’s an old slumber party game I used to play where you and another kid are paired up and you have to accomplish a task together (like making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or threading a needle). You can’t talk or write anything down and you are the only one who knows what the task is. You have to do the job together and the other kid has to take the first step.

At a slumber party, this scenario usually results in hilarity. In bed with your partner, it can often leave both people feeling frustrated and resentful.

The first step to avoiding sexual misunderstandings, is to get clear for yourself what your preferences are, what you like, what you wish would happen. Spend some time alone thinking or writing honestly about your own sexual style. There are some great resources out there to help you with this. I personally recommend using the “How You Like It” questionnaire (because I wrote it. You can download a free pdf copy for yourself by clicking here.)

Once you’re clear about what you want. Figure out how you are most comfortable getting this information to your partner. You can have a short, painless conversation when you’re hanging out watching television or driving in the car. You can share your completed questionnaire with your partner and encourage her/him to fill it out and share it with you. You can write your partner a note and leave it on the pillow. You and your partner can figure out a game plan for how to communicate about sex with one another – even if you decide neither one of you wants to talk about it in the heat of the moment.

Nonverbal communication can be great for initiating sex and for communicating sexual preferences – if, and only if, a key to interpreting your nonverbal communication has been shared with your partner first. Otherwise, you are likely to misinterpret or overlook each other’s cues.

Freaky Canadians… only five hours a day watching TV or surfing the Net? Pah-leez! We, Americans, watch five hours of America’s Next Top Model and related coverage every day. And what about Idol? Sure the show is only an hour, but then you’ve got to spend at least another two hours frantically calling in votes for Ace and Kellie. And for those of us who have office jobs, seriously… what else do we do between the two 30-minute meetings we have each day but surf the web, shop and check our email?

And who are they trying to impress? Fifteen minutes a day on sex and romance? What the hell are they doing for all that time? I’ll give you seven minutes tops for sex – and that’s on a special occasion like an anniversary or something. Maybe five minutes to clean up or change the sheet. What are they doing for the other three minutes? Talking?

…and that’s every day?! I’m exhausted just thinking about it!

Now first of all, the idea that oral sex is a new concept is ridiculous. The idea that oral sex for the sole purpose of pleasure and not as a demonstration of one’s commitment and admiration of another person is a new thing, is equally ridiculous. We keep talking about how disturbed we are that teens and young adults are having oral sex and that they don’t think it’s a big deal. We keep using young people’s sexual behaviors as an indication of the demise of morality. We find the idea of “friends with benefits” baffling, the concept of sex at parties or in public places abhorrent. Who are we kidding?

Fifty years ago, lots of teenagers were having sex in cars, in movie theaters, at makeout points. Lots of them got pregnant as a result. Some got VD. Some got married to someone who they didn’t know very well or love very much. And though I wasn’t born until after the height of the sexual revolution in the 60s, I would hardly say that every act involving genitals and a teenager’s mouth was an expression of love for the one person with whom they were planning on spending the rest of their life.

It’s hard to separate out the facts, the urban legends and the true meaning behind teens and oral sex because, quite frankly, we’re not really allowed to ask in any objective, measurable way. Are most kids giving blow jobs at school? Are there frequent oral sex parties where girls use different shades of lipstick to mark their conquests? Do kids really think oral sex is no big deal?

What little we do know indicates that like nearly everything involving sex and relationships, it’s complicated. Oral sex means different things to different teens. How they define it. How they do it? How they feel about it?

For some, it’s a less risky option for having sex in the time of HIV/AIDS.
For some, it’s a coercive experience capitalizing on low self-esteem and lack of assertiveness skills.
For some, it’s a way to express love and intimacy without fear of an unwanted pregnancy.
For some, it’s a way to feel powerful and in control.
For some, it’s fun and feels good.
For some, it’s a way of expressing sexual feelings without losing their “virginity.”

What is key is that all of us, adults and teens alike, struggle with concepts like love and intimacy. Most of us were born into a world that defined sexuality for us, usually pretty narrowly, but neglected to teach us how to relate to and express sensuality creatively. Certainly, more teens are talking about oral sex. Some are talking about doing it. Some are talking about who around them they think is doing it. Some are trying to get adults to shut our gaping mouths and stop feigning shock long enough to listen and understand their experiences.

Whether teens having oral sex is an indication that more youth are attempting (albeit with limited information thanks to a lack of comprehensive sex education) to reduce their risks around HIV/AIDS and most STDs; or that they are finding quick, partially clothed sexual expression easier than navigating the horrors of deep, meaningful, intimate relationships; or that they are bending to overwhelming, coercive pressure to satisfy their peers remains to be seen.

In the meantime, take a minute to ask yourself, and for those bold enough --your friends, some of the questions to which teens are frequently expected to respond these days:

1. What is virginity?
2. What is sex?
3. What is abstinence?
4. Is oral sex more or less intimate than intercourse? Why?

In Western society, I would imagine that this method of ending a marriage would be welcomed by many. No waiting period. No having to go before a judge. No having to talk endlessly about the remote possibility of reconciliation. Just the utterance of three simple words, (or perhaps, in some cases, seven simple words -- "I f-ing divorce you, you mf-ing a-hole!") and it's over.

Unfortunately for this fellow, despite his continued desire to remain with his wife, talking in his sleep carried grave consequences. In order to remarry his beloved wife and return to their stable and comforting life together, it is required that first the two of them must be separated for at least 100 days and that his wife has to spend a night with another man and then be divorced by him.

Actually, that's not such a bad idea either. Perhaps it would serve as a reminder of the power of words and the havoc that empty threats of abandonment wreak on a relationship. Maybe spouses would stop and think, or at least choose their words carefully, in the heat of an argument. Of course the law would have to work for women as well. In fact, perhaps in instituting this policy, we could amend the law to also include a clause that states that by simply uttering, "and I never want to see you again!" our soon-to-be insignificant other would vanish before our eyes.

For example:

Why does my spell-checker flag labia majora and not vas deferens? Both are words with two parts, both have Latin origins, and both refer to important parts of the reproductive system. Seriously… is it because my spell-checker hates women? I mean, most people won’t ever see a vas deferens!

Why does it flag trichomoniasis and chlamydia (two of the most common, curable sexually transmitted diseases impacting women in the U.S.), but not the word Scooby -- a word that isn’t even in the dictionary?

I’m not even sure who’s to blame. Was it always like this and I’ve just been fooling myself all these years. Am I better off not using a spell-checking program at all? Maybe it’s time I trust myself a little. I mean, really… if you think about it, what could posibily go wring?

Luckily, according to many experts in the field, the solution to all of these problems is simple -- kids just need to feel better about themselves.

First of all, I absolutely hate when people make negative generalizations about young people - as if they are the only ones who hate their bodies, have relationships that don't last as long as they had expected or make choices for themselves that may not prioritize their own personal well-being. These things aren't unique to teens, it just may be that we find it easier to identify and criticize teens because their lives are often more exposed than the adults that we know.

All of us are vulnerable to negative messages about ourselves. And all of us, young and old, would benefit from learning skills that would help us to fend off some of the negativity with which we find ourselves surrounded. However, we need to stop expecting that any of us can accomplish the herculean task of having a positive thought about ourselves without generating alternative messages to inform our perspectives. Instead of teaching about sex by focusing only on regrets and negative consequences, teach about the positive aspects of sexual expression too - that it can feel good, help you feel close to another person, help you learn about your body, your interests, your personal limits. Instead of teaching about relationships by focusing only on how to identify and avoid abuse, to anticipate and cope with loss, to be assertive and learn to say no, also teach people how to safely be vulnerable with one another, how to communicate effectively, how to manage emotions and express them in creative ways.

I hate how easy it is for those of us who are tackling these incredibly complex issues, to so conveniently reduce it to an issue like poor self-esteem, without factoring in the real forces that contribute to the issues (poverty, discrimination, poor education, lack of access to resources and services...) To me it's like blindfolding a young woman and putting her on the 16th floor of a building with no smoke alarms, no telephones, no electricity or running water and where the doors to the stairwells are locked, setting the building on fire and then commenting after her death what a shame it was she didn't believe in herself enough to get out of the building safely.

For most of us, the beginning of a relationship is full of energy -- an intoxicating mix of "filled up with sweet, carbonated hormones" kind of energy and butterflies in the stomach, "please don't let me do something stupid!" anxiety. We are usually just starting to learn about one another and the things that we don't know or don't understand are incredibly compelling. Touching is intense and we look for every opportunity to do it -- holding hands walking from the restaurant to the car, pushing away the lock of hair across the dinner table, nuzzling each other's ears and neck while we're watching television.

Flash forward five years and we're waiting for our turn to use the bathroom (which is unlikely to smell as fresh as it was before our beloved entered it.) We're waking up next to someone whose breath smells like the decaying carcusses of mice who were living in the colon of a dead raccoon for the last two months of their lives. We're listening to the same stories, finding the same annoying things annoying, seeing the same clothes on the same body doing the same things every day.

It's normal for passion to grow stale. Not because our partners really have become boring, but because our motivation for learning about them has dropped off. We've gotten lazy. It's easier to take things for granted and to accept the routine. It's comforting and stable, if a bit dull. But it requires less energy and attention from us. Our physical appearances may have changed a bit over the years, but what's really changed is the effort we put into appealing to the tastes of the other person. We no longer primp and fuss about what to wear or how we smell. Our thinking and experiences have continued to expand and deepen, but what's really changed is how often and how well we listen to and learn from each other.

It's less that the longer you are with someone, the less passionate you feel about them. More like the longer you are with someone, the more opportunities you have to discover new things about which to feel passionate.

The idea that the Internet offers individuals a space to be identity-less – to let down their inhibitions – is not a new one. One might argue, however, that some inhibitions are good ones and that some of the discomfort associated with exploring our sexuality is not only unavoidable, it is necessary.

Does anonymous sex over the Internet really offer men an opportunity to explore their same-sex attractions without risk? Perhaps the virtual world offers a less-threatening way for men to make sense of their own identity conflict. I mean, playing Halo doesn’t mean that I actually want to blow up aliens and zombies for a living. Having sex with other men online doesn’t mean I’m gay, right?

Clearly, there is some degree of anxiety or fear, hence anonymity and discretion being key in these exchanges. The discomfort and shame that many people experience around their sexual activities and the Internet – whether they are looking at pornography, talking dirty in chat rooms, cruising for sex – is unfortunate, but very real. Often, the fear of being found out, of being labeled as gay or perverted, overrides concerns about personal health and safety. I heard one story in which a man who had just been informed that he had contracted syphilis from a male sexual partner who he met online, was more concerned about whether or not his wife would find out that he’d been looking at naked pictures of men than about the fact that he had a sexually transmitted disease.

Is the anxiety that men face in identifying themselves as gay greater or lesser than the anxiety that men face in identifying themselves as a heterosexual man who sometimes has sex with other men on the Internet?

While I believe strongly that individuals have a right to decide whether or not to become parents, I appreciate that some of the arguments against reproductive health choices are very deeply felt and that some are even compelling. However, I often find that the loudest voices from the anti-choice movement often have a ring of lunacy to them, using arguments that are baseless.

Recently, one anti-choice blogger, in discussing comprehensive sexuality education wrote:

It's called "sexuality education" which should include an honest explanation of God's meaning for human sexuality based on how we are created, but the Planned Parenthood, SIECUS and others have twisted its meaning so that everyone now thinks it means instructions on how to have sex with no strings attached, as often as you'd like, with anyone or no one. That is not what sex is, and when kids are taught that in schools, that's not only a perversion of human sexuality, but a perversion of education itself.

Now maybe I’m just out of touch with what’s happening in schools these days, but is there really a class out there that is giving kids “instructions on how to have sex with no strings attached, as often as you'd like, with anyone or no one?” I would argue that no school, not even Rock’n’Roll High School, is teaching a class like that.

And how exactly would you teach a teen to have meaningless sex, all the time, with no one? Masturbation, itself, requires some level of commitment – I mean you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life!

Now I don’t know what your grandmother’s house was like, but I like to imagine what it was like for her grandchildren to visit Grandma Wilzig's house. She must have been the coolest, most popular grandparent on the block! Or perhaps all of the items were stashed away behind a false wall of canned fruit and jams?

And what about my own grandmother? Could I have misjudged her all of these years? During those alleged trips out with her Sassy Seniors dance group was she, in fact, traveling the world as an internationally renowned erotic art aficionado?

I'm sure all of our grandparents have secrets. I'd like to imagine that my Nana's secrets are even half as delicious as this.

Instead, I was very busy with family demands – being a parent and attending to my neglected relationship with my partner. I berated myself for being boring, weak and lazy.

The parallel between my sister’s accomplishment that day and my own didn’t dawn on me until much later. Life is made up of lots of marathons no matter how out of shape you are. Loving someone over a long period of time – building a life that accommodates both individuals’ needs, ambitions and shortfalls – just may be one of the most challenging courses one could travel.

In fact, the ambivalence that goes hand-in-hand with a long-term commitment to another person – terror, self-doubt, disbelief, frustration, exhaustion, excitement, pride – is what drives us forward. Like climbing a mountain or running a marathon, the exhilaration of the task at hand moves us, even if in the end we are worn down and missing a few toenails.

Hopefully in every relationship there are times when it feels as if an important marker has been passed, a peak summited. At those times, the perspective gained from the journey can be overwhelming. We use it both to find our bearings and to remind ourselves of what matters. Times we struggle with our relationships to others are opportunities to master new skills, to test our limits and to learn more effective ways of traversing connections.

Imagine that the Internet is Willy Wonka and he’s just swung open the doors of his factory to reveal a world of sexual delights beyond your imagination.

People can have graphic sex talk sessions over email and instant messaging. People can type with one hand and rub themselves with the other while watching each other’s webcams. People can hook up a computer gadget to their genitals that allows another person to remotely jack them off. People can read other people’s profiles, chat online and then make plans to meet in person to have sex.

But let us not forget the fate of Augustus Gloop. Our indulgences can sometimes overtake us. There may be costs for slurping from this particular chocolate river. Sure it tastes sweet. But there are consequences for our behaviors, and they aren’t always the decadently sweet, chocolaty kind of consequences.

The definitions of sexual activity are changing. While we’re all caught up in whether or not teens today define oral sex as sex, we’re missing the parade of online sexual activity that’s marching past our window. Sex means a lot of different things these days and for every new sexual activity – real or virtual – that is identified, there are people lined up wanting to participate.

And if your mind isn’t blown yet thinking about these new definitions of sex, remember that at the same time, people’s definitions of sexual identities are also changing. Human beings aren’t so easily categorized anymore. We are gay, bisexual, straight, lesbian, questioning, queer, polyamorous, straight but we have sex with people of the same sex, gay but we have sex with people of the opposite sex, sexually active but we’ve never physically touched another person, virgins but we have anal sex every weekend.

It’s an exciting time to explore sexual possibilities, but it’s a complicated time too. Online stalkers, 50-year-old sexual abusers posing as 10-year-old girls in order to build sexually coercive relationships, contracting HIV or another STD from someone whose online name is the only thing we know about them, more and more people isolating themselves in dark bedrooms with no physical contact with another human being for two weeks at a time.

For those of us who want to stay informed, our old definitions of gender, sexuality, risk and relationship have to go. Sex, love and relationships have gone techno. Whether you find that prospect terrifying or exhilarating, times are changing and it behooves us all to accept that fact.

“Why don’t you pick out something a little sexier?” my mother nudged.

Now first of all, there’s something about your mother offering advice about how you could be sexier that’s a little unsettling. That aside, it made me wonder – what’s not sexy about navy blue plaid pajamas?

It seems some people’s definitions about what constitutes sexy clothing is fairly limited. Apparently, the clothing must 1) be pink or red if you’re a woman, black if you’re a man; 2) there must be as little actual cloth as possible, certainly not enough to provide any warmth or comfort; 3) the clothing must go up your butt, jam your breasts together or flatten your balls against your pelvis; and 4) the clothing must be incredibly expensive and must be purchased at a location which features front window displays made up entirely of feathers and headless naked mannequins and store greeters who proclaim loudly, “You have a GOOD night now!” as they wink and nudge you.

Clothing is sexiest when it’s on somebody who feels sexy. I would personally rather look at a person who is feeling confident and sensual in brown cords and a turtleneck sweater that fit their body really well than to look at someone who is feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious in a bra that is too tight and underwear that gives them a wedgie.

Below are a few tips for dressing sexy:

1. No matter what you wear – focus on feeling comfortable.
Leather, lace, flannel – they’re all sexy in their own right. If what you're wearing is painful or uncomfortable, your audience will know it and unless awkwardness or agony is what's appealing, you may find that's not the look you're going for.

2. You should still look like you when you're dressing sexy.
Whether you look like the schoolgirl part of you, the vixen part of you, or the milkman part of you, the goal is usually for your audience to find you attractive. Roleplaying and dress-up can be fun because they offer us a chance to express different aspects of ourselves. And while anonymity can be fun, too, focus less on being someone else and more on being a part of you that you don't often show.

3. Sexy clothes should be flexible.
Ideally, you want to find clothes that make you and your
partner(s) feel sexy, but that can also be worn to sleep or can be easily balled up next to the bed. Sexy clothes that take an eternity to put on or take off are a drag, and it can be disruptive to have to go through a whole change of clothes just to end the night snuggling to sleep.

4. Be creative.
Remember that there are a lot of things that people find sexy. Don't be limited by what is defined in the mainstream as sexually provocative. Mix it up by being unique, silly or adventurous.

5. Save your money.
Being sexy shouldn't cost you one month's salary. Save your cash to spend on more valuable aspects of a sexy encounter like decadent food or a comfortable bed. Remember that lots of times, the sexiest outfit you can wear is your own skin -- and that's free!

“Marriage is a serious commitment, not to be taken lightly. As such, make sure you are wedding your loved one for all the right reasons and save yourself years of frustrating conflicts in the future. With half of all marriages ending in divorce, thinking before acting is not an option, it's a moral responsibility.”

Some say that marriage isn’t what it used to be – that it has lost some of its original, intended meaning. That what used to be a lifelong tie, is now looser and less binding. Well, since marriage was originally conceived as a contract awarding lifelong ownership of property (a woman) to a man, looser and less binding may not have seemed like such a bad thing to wives in 2350 B.C. The reality is that marriage was not created to define or protect a love relationship. That’s the job of the people in the relationship. And while centuries have been spent trying to amend or revise the marriage contract, it is still just that – a contract.

Of course for most people who choose to marry, a marriage contract becomes a symbol of lifelong commitment and deeply felt emotion -- the contract, itself, carries deeper meaning than its literal worth.

Some of the meanings attributed to a marriage contract have been recorded and preserved in traditions and ceremonies. Ceremonies provide opportunities for people to attach shared meaning and values to a common life event. These ceremonies are often linked with deeply held cultural or spiritual beliefs.

Where things got confusing is when people with power began to award certain rights or benefits to people who shared a set of beliefs or traditions valued by the dominant class, while at the same time penalizing those with different sets of beliefs or traditions. The purpose was to encourage conformity. As a result, the traditions, beliefs and ideals of the ruling class became institutionalized and bound up with laws made at that time.

Access to health insurance, tax benefits and other legal rights are not assigned based on how people’s relationships or living situations benefit the larger society. If that were the case, everyone who lived with a roommate would be rewarded with a tax break. I would have saved hundreds of dollars the summer of my sophomore year in college when I lived in a three-bedroom house with nine other people! These rights and benefits are awarded based on whether or not two individuals (contrary to popular belief, in most states it is about two individuals and not about one man and one woman) agree to carry out a certain set of traditions and to define the meaning of their connection according to a prescribed definition assigned by a group of people with power. Loses some of its romance when you put it that way, no?

Wedding ceremonies, vows, commitments, public recognition of love, long-term relationships – these are all wonderful things that are worthy of respect and celebration. One might argue that, in fact, manipulating these things in order to divide communities into those that have and those that have not has, in fact, sullied the true intention of these ideals.

So, how come my partner of 15 years can’t be on our family’s health insurance plan? How come I have no choice but to file my taxes as a single individual? How come I may face a legal challenge when it comes to taking care of my partner during an incapacitating illness or after death?

If you want to reward me for procreating, reward me when I parent a child. If you want to reward me for living in a way that benefits society, reward me for living in a tiny apartment or for driving a fuel-economical car. If you want to reward me for staying in a committed relationship, reward me when I stay in a committed relationship. If you want to reward me for believing in the importance of love and family and community, then reward me – I’m a believer.

Love isn’t a contract. And morality and belief systems can’t be contracted. Good reasons to marry someone are because you love them and you believe that you want to live your life in partnership with them. The worst reasons I can think of for marrying someone are because you feel threatened, because you have no choice, or because someone tells you that if you don’t marry them, they are going to take away your rights and freedoms.

Hmmm… suddenly marrying someone because she’s pregnant, you get along with her and her family and you feel comfortable with her doesn’t seem quite so sinister and morally reprehensible.

1. Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek in Desperado. Can’t think about it without swooning… hot – hot - hot and very funny. I like a good sex scene that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Banderas’ facial expressions themselves will melt steel and seriously, what isn’t sexy about Salma Hayek?

2. George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez in Out of Sight. Again, very silly scene – lots of playfulness and the chemistry is definitely there. Besides, it’s proof that while the underwear removal process can be less than profoundly sensual, in the end, a naked butt contributes something to a sex scene.

3. Diego Luna, Gael Garcia Bernal and Ana Lopez Mercado in Y Tu Mama Tambien. Just enough awkwardness to be believable, sweet and featuring three stunningly attractive people.

4. Rob Nilsson and Consuela Faust in Heat and Sunlight. Intense and very emotional. The scene is shot so that the sex alternates between being painfully vulnerable and sad and being powerfully raw and animalistic. Feels so real that you’ll almost believe you’re peeping in your neighbor’s window.

5. Geena Davis and Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise. Who was Brad Pitt then? While not the longest, most critical scene in the movie, I like how goofy it is. Davis and Pitt’s bodies aren’t bad to look at either.

6. Nicole Parker and Laurel Holloman in The Incredibly True Adventure of Two Girls in Love. Fumbly and sincere. This was what I dreamt about in high school. And the anticipation building up to it made it that much more satisfying.

7. Denzel Washington and Sarita Choudhury in Mississippi Masala. Breathlessly beautiful people in believable scene with just enough tension to keep all the right muscles clenched throughout.

8. Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve in The Hunger. Hello?!... Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve!

9. Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader in Secretary. The whole movie is delicious.

10. Peter Gallagher and Annette Bening in American Beauty. My jaw hung open for three days. Hilarious and shot brilliantly.

“something, such as a material object or a nonsexual part of the body, that arouses sexual desire and may become necessary for sexual gratification; an abnormally obsessive preoccupation or attachment; a fixation.”

Let’s be frank… somebody makes the rules about which objects or body parts onto which we can project our desire, and I’m pretty sure that they don’t represent the most sexually creative component of our society. Think about it… when you break out all of the material objects which the advertising industry ties up with desire and sexuality and then spoon feeds us in the interest of marketing (beer, cola, breath mints, cigarettes, deodorant…) suddenly being turned on by smelling socks or licking stamps doesn’t seem quite so extraordinary. And when it comes to getting naked and having sex, there are lots of things with which people find themselves obsessively preoccupied or fixated (being too fat, having legs that aren’t smooth enough, muscles that aren’t ripped enough, worrying that our partner finds someone more attractive than us…) – and those things actually make us feel BAD.

Sexual tastes run the gamut and they run smack up against our conservatively defined social mores. The next time you find yourself wagging your finger or shuddering in disgust when considering what another person finds arousing or pleasurable, stop and think. What are some of the things you’ve done in your life that are sexy and provocative? How comfortable would you feel about exposing those personal experiences to the world to be scoffed at or judged? And if you can’t think of anything freaky that drives you wild… then shame on you.

First of all, the utter contradiction between the current administration’s allocation of more than $170 million for abstinence-until marriage programs and their statement of concern about the separation of church and state is laughable. The nature of abstinence-only until marriage programs is that they are based on Christian ideals and reflect (quite transparently, actually) a religiously conservative view of marriage, homosexuality, and family. Just take a look at the Federal Guidelines for Abstinence-Only Education.

These grant projects must meet the legislative priorities as described in Section 510 of Title V of the Social Security Act. Abstinence education is defined in the legislation as “an educational or motivational program that:

A. Has as its exclusive purpose, teaching the social, psychological, and health gains to be realized by abstaining from sexual activity;

B. Teaches abstinence from sexual activity outside marriage as the expected standard for all school age children;

C. Teaches that abstinence from sexual activity is the only certain way to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and other associated health problems;

D. Teaches that a mutually faithful monogamous relationship in context of marriage is the expected standard of human sexual activity;

E. Teaches that sexual activity outside of the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects;

F. Teaches that bearing children out-of-wedlock is likely to have harmful consequences for the child, the child’s parents, and society;

G. Teaches young people how to reject sexual advances and how alcohol and drug use increases vulnerability to sexual advances; and

H. Teaches the importance of attaining self-sufficiency before engaging in sexual activity.

While the blurring of church and state is worthy of our concern, it is also important for us to note that these programs have not been proven to have any lasting impact on either delaying sexual activity or preventing unplanned pregnancies or disease transmission. But then again, if you are having trouble reaching scientifically-based outreach measures, just change your measuring stick. Which is what the administration did at the end of 2001.

When these programs fell short of impacting the teen birthrate and the proportion of teen participants who engaged in sexual intercourse, the measures were replaced with loose definitions such as “the proportion of program participants who understood the benefits of abstinence, who committed to abstinence, and who reported that they had the skills to avoid sexual intercourse.” Despite the absence of evidence that these programs are having any lasting impact at all, Bush has recently proposed a 15% increase in abstinence-only funding! Nice reward for a job undone! (For further documentation of the ineffectiveness of these programs, take a look at evaluations from 10 states who funded them.)

And as if that weren’t enough cause for outrage, at least 10 of the 13 curricula most frequently used by federally funded programs are riddled with inaccuracies or misleading information.

Below are just a few of my favorite examples of what some of these programs are teaching young people about sex:

“At the least, the chances of getting pregnant with a condom are 1 out of 6.”
Me, My World, My Future, Revised HIV material, p. 257(pdf)
(In truth: when used consistently and correctly, condoms are 98 percent effective in preventing pregnancy.)

“AIDS can be transmitted by skin-to-skin contact.”
Reasonable Reasons to Wait, Teacher’s guide, Unit 5, pg. 19(pdf)
(In truth: HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, can be transmitted only through direct exchange of bodily fluids such as blood, semen, vaginal secretions, or breast milk.)

“Among Kinsey’s most outrageous and damaging claims are the beliefs that pedophilia, homosexuality, incest, and adult-child sex are normal.” Clue 2000 Curriculum(pdf)

“These are simply natural consequences. For example, if you eat spoiled food, you will get sick. If you jump from a tall building, you will be hurt or killed. If you spend more money than you make, your enslavement to debt affects you and those whom you love. If you have sex outside of marriage, there are consequences for you, your partner and society.”
Sex Respect, Student Workbook, p. 11(pdf)

Ah, yes… money well spent.

We smash our faces, tear our hair, rend our hearts and struggle more and more desperately to get ourselves back to that key in the maze that when depressed, will drive 10,000 volts of reality spiraling up our brain stems. Why? Because the connection that we desire is a complicated one.

We use the people around us to learn about and respond to ourselves. Sometimes we seek validation and renewal. Sometimes we strike out at what we hate in ourselves. Sometimes we use the reflection of ourselves that another person offers us to tinker with the subtle qualities that make us who we are. If the journey were a painless one, in the end, we would not end up where we need to be. What to us may seem instinctual and necessary may seem extreme or insane to the outside observer. Have you seen how penguins and salmon find mates and reproduce?

The key to relationships is finding a balance. If your attempts to connect are only bringing you grief or if it gets to be too painful, consider trying another path. If, on the other hand, your dramatic, gut-wrenching, fetal-under-the-table sob sessions are bringing you some insight or are reigniting your passion for one another, more power to you.

If you aren’t sure whether or not your masochistic tendencies in love are serving you well, ask someone objective. Don’t assume that good relationships will feel good all the time or that feeling bad in your relationship today means it’s a bad relationship. On the other hand, remember that while many of us have moments of heartache, when those moments turn into months and years, that may be a sign that something’s not working for you. And if you find yourself curled up on the floor with your thumb in your mouth, listening to Patsy Cline for three weeks straight… well that’s just freaky.

Not me. I would argue that there are loads of us who need to relearn how to own and experience pleasure. Learning what brings us pleasure and how to relax and enjoy it should be a required class. Imagine for a moment what your days would feel like if you added thirty minutes of unadulterated pleasure to each day. Imagine what your relationship would be like if you spent even one evening a week making each other feel good. Pleasure itself isn’t illegal or immoral or harmful. And most times, what brings us pleasure won’t kill or damage us in any permanent way. We need to stop feeling bad about feeling good. Pleasure is too sweet a prize to be watered down by guilt or shame. And life is too short to waste time on the fat-free stuff.

Sex…talking. This sounds easy. Well, for those of you that have no discomfort sharing intimate thoughts and feelings and who have no problem asking for exactly what you want from the people you love or at least have sex with… Bravo! Keep up the great work!

For the rest of us, talking about sex is more like a trip to the dentist for a root canal. You may know you need to do it and you may know that in the end, it’s going to make you healthier and make you feel better, but the idea is so anxiety-provoking you may find it’s easier to learn to live with the dull ache of dissatisfaction and disconnection.

I’m with you. Talking about the hottest fantasy that you have that involves your mother and two bull walruses, or about the fact that the “Superbowl Spike of Sexual Moves” that your partner does not only doesn’t bring you to orgasm but leaves you with a stinging rash that won’t go away for three days, or about the unfortunate condition that you picked up two years ago when you got really drunk and had sex with a toothless hobo you met in a wooded area off the highway sounds pretty unappealing. But so does having unsatisfying sex that leaves you with a stinging rash. Even if it does involve a mom-on-walrus lovefest.

I’ve heard people say that it gets easier with practice. And to some extent, I suppose that’s true. I recommend accepting the fact that talking about sex is almost always a bit uncomfortable and awkward. Humor and humility help a lot. Below are a few suggestions for how to get started:

1. Start the conversation while you’re watching TV. Television can offer you a context for talking about sex. It can help keep the conversation light and offers you an opportunity to talk to one another without looking at each other.

2. Challenge each other to complete a sex quiz or questionnaire and then share the results with each other.

3. Put your discomfort or embarrassment right up front. “I feel really uncomfortable talking about this and I’m not even sure what I want to say but I’ve been thinking about something and I want to talk with you about it.” You don’t have to be eloquent to talk about sex.

4. Keep it brief. If you think dropping a comment like, “you know we have so much fun when we’re fooling around… maybe we should do it more often,” seems daunting, try sitting down for a two-hour marathon conversation about sex. People tend to respond better to smaller doses of sex talk.

5. Write what you can’t bring yourself to say. Use a shared journal or short notes or emails to pass along the information. Not only can writing be a less-threatening way for you to share information, but it offers a potentially less-threatening way for your partner to respond to you.